Disclaimer: This may be more about my medical condition and history than you really want to know.

So, seriously, if you are the kind of person who dreads hearing about medical stuff, close the browser and go to some other post. I would. If I could.

***

I have asthma.

If this was a 12-step program, it has taken me eight years to get to step 1: Admitting you have a problem.

***

As a child I can’t remember ever having breathing problems, except, obviously when I got a cold. I remember a few times of not being able to get a deep breath, but if I just didn’t push and waited, usually the feeling went away.

I played various sports throughout high school. Admittedly, not track and field, but I was on the ski team and played golf. Nothing ever came up. My parents also don’t remember anything about asthma.

Then in late 2006 I came down with a cold. Most of 2007 was spend coughing or at the doctor’s office. After three doctors and a specialist, I was finally diagnosed with hypersensitivity pneumonitis; essentially, my lungs had hives.

It turned out I was allergic to my parrot, Joey.

After finding Joey a new home (hi Michele!) my health improved dramatically. But after six months, I still didn’t feel as good as I felt I should, so I sold my store, Pawsitively Clean, in an attempt to further remove myself from what allergens I could.

This worked for a while, but in in late 2012, while starting a new job, I came down with a case of pneumonia and things went a little backward. I started a new drug regime and when I lost weight, things seemed to be going really well.

So, recently I (stupidly) stopped the medication.

And now I’m back to having asthma problems.

***

I never would have said I was frighted of the doctor until the HP problems of 2007.

It took over a year to find a doctor who took me seriously. Who didn’t make comments about my large breasts or decided to take personal phone calls during my appointments. I have honestly never seen my mother more angry than the day after I went to the doctor and came back without a prescription, and the next day I could not make any noise because my lungs and throat were so messed up.

Once I changed doctors, however, they started sending me to specialists. The problem, though, was that I could no longer remember the appointments. I would go and then come back, but I wouldn’t remember what the doctor had said. The day the doctor diagnosed me the only thing I actually remember is sobbing and telling him I couldn’t get rid of my pets. I had to call back later after I’d calmed down to figure out what really had been said.

Basically, the whole thing gave me PTSD. And I’m not using that term in a joking way. The last time I went in for a serious doctor’s appointment, I had to bring my mom with me because I still pretty much blank out the whole appointment. I consider it progress that recently I’ve started to remember little bits of my appointments.

***

As I said earlier, my asthma has flared up again. The combination of a long, hot summer with lots of forest fires, stopping my medication, and moving has really aggravated my lungs. I need to return to the doctor… but I’m now terrible at the doctor.

My mom, who is excellent with all medical stuff (she’s really a great advocate) has suggested I write down my questions. But I’m not sure what they are. I just want to be able to breathe.

So… online I go to figure out my questions.

***

This is how lungs work.

Air is sucked in and ends up in the alveoli where the capillaries take the oxygen away and transfer CO2 back to the alveoli where it is exhaled.

This is how asthma works. Everything is the same as above except for two details. The interior of the bronchioles (tiny airways) swell up and the muscles surrounding the bronchioles tighten.

picked up from 4A11455 – origianl art Toyama with mods by Hiller Gee

This means that air is trapped in the alveoli. Which explains why doctors tell me my problem is getting air OUT of my lungs.

***

So, what causes asthma? If I didn’t have it as a kid, why do I have it as a 40 year old?

***

Last week I went to Hawaii on vacation, leaving behind the fur children and a lot of other stuff. The first day I went snorkeling I had a lot of breathing problems, and frankly even I could hear my lungs wheezing.

But by the last day I was breathing like a champ and it all seemed easy.

So naturally, I didn’t want to go to the doctor.

***

Since returning I haven’t gone back to square one, but I can definitely feel the difference.

I need to do something. But what?

***

What are my questions for the doctor?

1. Should I ask for a pulmonologist appointment or an allergist?
2. Are there any exercises I should do?
3. Should I keep an asthma diary (a suggestion I see online)? What for? What not?
4. Why don’t the normal asthma drugs seem to work on me?
5. With my current list of allergies, I know I can’t get any more cats. But should that include no more dogs? What about a hypoallergenic breed?

This weekend my Weight Watchers group hiked to the top of Multnomah Falls.

This is something I would never have thought I could do.

A moderate, 2.2-mile hike with 700 feet of elevation gain to the top of Multnomah Falls.

I have to be honest. If they think this is “moderate” I don’t even want to know what difficult might be like. Though we took a lot of breathing breaks and stopped frequently to admire the scenery, this might  make my top 25 most uncomfortable days.

But we (ALL OF US) made it to the top. And it was worth it. Even the soreness the next day was worth it.

Along the way I thought a lot about how this hike could apply to my lifestyle change journey. There are a lot of similarities: difficult but worth it, better with friends, taking frequent breaks, many switchbacks / changes of direction, enjoying the journey.

In the end, when I hit that highest point, I was just glad to be done.

Last week I gave up on Weight Watchers.

Something just gave in me and I ate everything. This was a conscious decision. I knew I was doing it.

I kept a few things from my healthy ways. I packed lunch a couple of days. I walked at lunch and took the dog for hikes.

But essentially, I just ate things and reveled in a general feeling of self-loathing.

I’m not sure exactly what gave. I wrote about my bad Monday (thank you everyone for your kind words). And yes, that was a trigger. But, before that I bought the bullet and loaded the gun. I was just waiting for an excuse to pull the trigger.

On Friday (and this is related) I met with someone who will be taking over the Watercolor Society of Oregon website. That was a hard meeting, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. There will be a few months of transition, but it’s one thing that is going away. A few weeks ago I decided to give up the Three Rivers Artist Guild website and marketing committee, and those changes have already been made.

On Saturday I decided to stop offering AirBNB.

I looked at my weekly schedule and thought about what could go. And I changed my Sound Equine Options day to Saturdays. I might not be able to do it every week, but having an extra weeknight to relax will help me.

On Sunday I slept until almost noon, missing church and every other thing I could or should have done.

And about 3:00 on Sunday I walked to my refrigerator and knew I had to make a choice. A real choice. A week of eating (or even 5 months of slow sliding) is not the end. Assuming I am not hit by a bus, life will go on and I will either get older and healthier or older and diseased. I needed to decide whether I wanted to be on Weight Watchers and still tell people “I’m working on improving my lifestyle” or whether I wanted to face an eventual return to my previous weight and probably more.

I thought about the good things that have happened over the last 15 months: I’m breathing better, my blood sugar is more level, my blood pressure has dropped, I am off one medication, my cholesterol is heading in the correct direction, it no longer hurts to walk. At one point I was within 12 pounds of being able to ride a horse. I was dreaming about taking canoeing lessons.

And I thought about the freedom to eat and overeat as my problem solver. I thought about going into Weight Watchers on Monday and facing another gain (it would be a big one this week.)

I got in the car and went to the grocery store. And stalked up on the makings of salads and healthy snacks.

I’m not ready to give up.

Monday I weighed in and faced the music. At my best, back in February, I had lost a total of 88 pounds. As of Monday I have regained 32.6 pounds (for a total loss of 55.4 pounds.) M

I am not feeling confident, but I am feeling like I am going to try again. I’m going to concentrate on the following:

1. Breakfast: I’m doing well, and I’m going to add back in a yogurt because I felt better when I had that
2. Morning snack: My first challenge. I’m packing an extra fruit and working to remove the chocolate bar (or more) that has entered here.
3. Lunch: Another doing well. I’m going to keep packing my salad in a jar.
4. Afternoon snack: I’ve been doing well here, but I’m going to change it up. I’m going to get a Starbucks 2 times a week (not every day) and pack an extra veggie. I’ve been toying with the idea of adding a fruit here.
5. Dinner: My most challenging. I don’t cook, so it’s mostly frozen meals. But I need to do some canning to get some veggies stashed away for the winter. In the meantime… well, in spite of it being summer, I’m feeling clueless.
6. Exercise: I’m averaging about 45 minutes around the office and I’d like like to work on getting a walk with the dog to bring it up to 75 minutes. It’s so hot though… (insert a small whine here)

My Weight Watchers instructor is always talking about a couple of things. One, we are here [at Weight Watchers] to change our relationship with food. And two, there is no limit on second chances.

I need to remember those things. There is no one that I love who if they came to me and said, “I’m going to start Weight Watchers again” I would say “Oh, you can’t. You’ve tried before and one time is all you get.”

We were challenged a few weeks ago to come up with a vision board. I had to raid Pintrest, but here are a few that I need to keep in mind.

I don’t know  if I can do this. But I know that if I had three wishes, I would wish to loose weight. This is a wish that I can make happen.

I’ve been on Weight Watchers now for a year and two weeks. In that time I have lost 82 lbs.

All that is great. But for the last six months I have been stalled.

Since about when my dad died, it’s been up and down. While a lot of good habits have stuck (exercising, eating breakfast, salad lunches), a lot of bad things had re-entered my diet.

The last few weeks I have been feeling like I’ve been turning a corner and feeling ready to get real with it. Then something falls apart and I restart. That is success, but not the kind that shows up on the scales.

Tonight I don’t feel well. I over did it yesterday and I went to the dentist this morning and my jaw hurts. Also, frankly, some hormone issues are going on and I’ve been better (Saturday morning I laughed hysterically at a funny Facebook post and that night was crying over a sad movie. I have no idea if either was actually funny or sad, but there you go.)

I thought about skipping my WW meeting, but in spite of feeling anti-social, I decided staying home wasn’t going to get me anywhere either (very adult decision. I get some points for that, right?)

I’m glad I went. It was a good meeting. I feel like I heard a couple of good things, which sometimes is really all you need.

Even if I never loose another pound, I need to remember how far I’ve come and that I am feeling so much better than I was. I’m proud of all the things I can do now.

Additionally, being stalled for the last six months is not all together bad. Yes, the scale isn’t going down, but it’s not going up either. And hopefully I’ll get going again and I will have that much less to loose again. My weight loss journey is not going to be smooth and easy… it’s going to be hard and hilly.

I am ready to get going again and the biggest thing to do is re-carve out the sugar out of my life. So, it’s back to basics. I don’t have to be perfect, but I know what I need to avoid.

So… Just do it, Tara.

A few of you might remember my original post “Remember the knitting when loosing weight.”

Last week I finished my sweater “Zora” and I have been prancing around showing it off; last night at Weight Watchers was no exception. I showed it off and bragged about how all the stitches represented the many (MANY) changes I’ve made in the last 10 months to loose 82lbs.

With the completion of that sweater, I am starting a new project, and with this project I am learning a new skill: continental kntting.

“Continental knitters hold the yarn in their left hand, which allows the knitter to simply scoop, or “pick”, the yarn with the right needle. The primary challenge with the Continental style is its corresponding purl stitch, which requires agility and practice to execute comfortably.”

The benefits of this, as opposed to my old method of “English” knitting is that it is a faster method of knitting.

My good friends JJ (check out her yarn touring business The Traveling Ewe (with the logo that I made for her!) and Suzie (who is simply awesome but doesn’t have a business to brag about) have been coaching me through this learning curve and I have just one thing to say: THIS STINKS!

It’s fiddly and hard. It’s difficult and pointless. I already know how to knit! Why am I relearning?

As I’m sitting on the couch, tongue between my teeth, cursing whatever urge caused me to learn this (I mean, so what if it takes a year to finish a sweater. It got done, didn’t it?) it occurred to me that this feeling is familiar. It’s the same feeling that happens whenever I have to develop some new weight loss skill (slicing an apple instead of snarfing a chocolate bar for an example.)

So as I’ve been plugging away on my project, I’ve been telling myself it’s for the long term good. DAMMIT!

The other day I though things might be getting a little easier. I’m still not sure it’s faster yet, but things seemed to be coming along. Then I had to start purling. What was working before stopped working, so I had to develop even more new skills. Frankly, I’m still working on this skill and hope I get a version soon. I’m sure I’ll get better… just as I got better about eating breakfast and have had to adjust that routine three times and counting.

So it seems that knitting has more to teach me and remains a metaphor for the weight loss journey I’m not even halfway through.

And I thought that sweater took a long time…

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I’m having a bit of a non-traditional Thanksgiving. Neither my mom or me felt like really “doing” Thanksgiving this year, and It didn’t make a lot of sense to go see my mom for less than a day, so I’m staying at home for the day.

But it’s been a busy day.

Someone mentioned the Turkey Trot and that caught  my fancy as a way to celebrate my new lifestyle. It’s a 4 mile run/walk around Washington Park and the Oregon Zoo. As you know, I did a 5K back in May and with 75 lbs lost, I thought this might make a good celebratory milestone.

I am pleased to say I did it! I took a pit stop in the middle, but my times looked like this:

• 8:09-8:44 (35.24 minutes)
• 8:49-9:43 (54.05 minutes)

Mile 3 was definitely the hardest (steepest), but I think an average of 22 minutes per mile is NOT bad. I know mile 3 was the slowest and lowered my average, but at least I have a place to start.

Like the 5K in May, it felt like everyone was passing me. I did start off in the last “wave” to let everyone else go ahead.

But I did eventually pass a few people. There was one gal about my size who was obviously doing this run as her own personal quest. I felt a total kindred spirit with her and was SO proud of her when I saw her cross the finish line. I’m so proud of me too.

I’m a little sore, but not as exhausted as I was after the 5K in May. I had enough energy to head down to SEO and do 3 stalls, before coming home.

And now I’m off to fix white chili with turkey! It’s a good day.

I am just entering the extremely busy season at work. This is my second year going through the “year end” process (Multnomah County, like most governments, has a fiscal year calendar that goes from July 1-June 30) and while this year is going more smoothly than last, it’s no walk in the park.

Today I was so busy that I was only able to get away from my desk for a very short lunch/walk and struggled to put everything aside long enough do simple things like head to the bathroom.

It’s hectic.

And, of course, everyone is on edge. Program managers are down to the last minute to accomplish goals and everyone is looking at the bottom line.

Everyone must have gotten recharged for the weekend, because I had to hit the ground running from the first moment I walked in today, and by 10:00 I was fed up. All day long I FOUGHT the urge to walk across the street and buy a bunch of candy bars and simply inhale.

I didn’t do it. And I went to Weight Watchers tonight and weight in for a loss. And I asked people for suggestions how to cope with the season of emotional eating triggers I see around the corner.

With tonight’s loss, that brings my total weight removal up to 46 lbs. It’s beginning to down on me that this isn’t a coincidence or a fluke. This seems to be something that I am doing. And I’m proud. I’m getting closer to that magical number where I will be able to ride a horse, and I don’t want to quit.

But I’m not great at pressure. I’d like to find something I could do, such as taking a walk (other suggestions appreciated), that I could replace the urge to eat with, but with work so busy I really feel chained to my desk.

I’m compromising this way: I bought some of those mini popcorn bags tonight. I’m hoping that if I pop a bag and focus on eating each individual kernal that I can get through the next few weeks.

Tonight’s WW meeting focused on being kind to yourself. It’s a lesson I really need to learn, but the next few weeks will be the opposite of kind. In the meantime, I think I’m going to focus on the good habits I’ve already started (breakfast, walking the dog/activity, no random eating) and see if I can get by with a little popcorn and reliance on what I’ve already done.