nubilous [ noo-buh-luhs, nyoo- ] (adjective) – cloudy or foggy

Today I had made arrangements with a friend to meet and take our dogs for a walk. It has been muggy for a few days, but generally dry (okay, dry-ish.) So, we met at the park… and it promptly started raining. Sounds about like our luck. We still had a good time and the dogs didn’t care.

Nubilous also seems like a good description of my current mental state, something very much on my mind. Not in the way of “dark and gloomy” cloudy but more like “changing and could clear up.” I am delighted to report that is has now been six days (6!) since I had a breakdown. I haven’t cried, collapsed in a pile, hid under the bed, or otherwise failed to cope. There were even a few times when something annoyed or upset me and I was able to shrug and say, “Meh.” I even–queue the ticker tape parade–went to a meeting.

This week will be a bit of a test; I’ll either move ahead or have to take a step back. Of course, I know it won’t be that cut and dried, but it doesn’t prevent me from hoping.

Workshop

Monday-Wednesday of this week I will not be going to work; instead, I will be taking a workshop from Jean Pederson, who I’ve wanted to workshop for a while now. My goals for the workshop are pretty humble.

1. If I get overwhelmed, take a break.
2. Tolerate other humans for at least 6 of the total 18 hours of workshop time.
3. Bring breakfast and lunch and eat it.
4. Enjoy myself.
5. Learn something if I can.

This list seems extremely pitiful, but it’s where I am now. If I manage to survive the workshop, Thursday morning I have to go into the dentist for a (long-awaited) emergency appointment. I either popped out a filling or broke a tooth. It does hurt (thank goodness) but it’s sharper than all get out. After the appointment, I’d like to “return” to work, but if I get a lot of drugs I’m not even gonna try. I don’t need any more marks on my permanent record!

Jean Pederson is known as being an experimental artist, so the directions for workshop supplies have created something of a disaster in my studio this week. I’ve been gessoing over old paintings and creating some collage papers. Also, I had to order some acrylics, and the packaging for that box has been entertaining the kittens for days. I’ll try to post any worthy results (if any) over the next week.

Dentist & Work

If I don’t have meltfown over the course of this strenuous week, I will work an entire eight hours (gasp) on Friday. And then return to work full time the following week. At least, that’s the plan.

Painting

In between trashing my studio, I did actually do a little painting. I worked up these two crane paintings and started them. I’m not sure about where they are going, but at least I’m applying paint.

Both pieces still have masking fluid on them, so they are very rough. Long way to go.

Show News

I got a small piece of good news this week. My application to Words & Images at the Hoffman Center for Arts (aka Hoffman Gallery) was accepted.

Word & Image takes the Greek tradition of Ekphrasis — which is writing in response to art, and turns the tables to include art in response to writing. The combinations of word and image that result often reveal surprising new layers of meaning, and give both artists and writers the rare opportunity to see their art reflected in the work of another’s. Writers and artists are randomly paired and have approximately six weeks to create new work. The paired pieces are exhibited in the form of broadsides in the Hoffman Gallery and also collected in a keepsake book, both of which are for sale. Word & Image is produced in even-numbered years.

This event is similar to the Salem Reads exhibits I’ve painted for the last few years. I’m excited for June 3 when I’ll be assigned my writer!

And don’t forget, the Emerald Art Center has the lovely 16th Annual Emerald Spring Exhibition 2022 at the Emerald Art Center until the end of May.

When my parents were around, we had a bit of saying about “Choate Plan B”. Essentially, we’d make a plan (vacation, dinner, whatever) and then something would happen, and the plan would change. I think this is normal and something most groups of people face; groups of people are full of humans, and what could be more chaotic than humans?

This post is about three plans that changed.

Plan: Emerald Art Center Show

This weekend, the 16th Annual Emerald Spring Exhibition 2022 at the Emerald Art Center in Springfield opened. I drove down to the opening on Saturday night, which was lovely. Unfortunately, the trip was a marred by the fact that I had been hoping to go to dinner with some friends who had had their plans change. My friends made a point to go to the exhibit earlier in the week, and commented how lovely it was, but we didn’t get a chance to catch up over dinner. The exhibit runs from May 3 – June 3 and next Friday is the 2nd Friday Art Walk, May 13th, 5:30 – 7:30pm.

Plan: Keizer Community Gallery Show (Brush Buddies)

Last summer I submitted a proposal for a sculpture; to my shock, the proposal was accepted (no word on when it will all come together because they are still fundraising.) During this project the head of the committee asked me if I would be interested in displaying my paintings in the Keizer Community Center (930 Chemawa Road NE, Keizer, Oregon 97303) which had room for 60 paintings. I said of course and we booked June and July for whatever show I came up with (it’s worth noting the show does need to be approved, but I don’t see that as a huge obstacle. My paintings are usually pretty “G” rated.)

With 60 paintings to come up with, I started going through my inventory of already-framed paintings. I came up with about 35; though it wouldn’t be any trouble to come up with the additional 25, the cost of framing them (assume each painting costs $100 to frame, so that’s an additional $2500 out of pocket) seemed prohibitive for a show that looks great on a resume but probably wouldn’t generate a huge number of sales. In addition, once framed, each piece would have to be carefully stored and generally looked over. So, I asked my friend, Sandra Pearce, if she’d be interested in taking the other half of the show. She went through her inventory and came up with just under 30 framed pieces, so she agreed.

Before the show can go up, we had to submit photos and an inventory, which we’ve been working on for a few weeks now. I wanted to create a theme for the show and dithered around about that for a while. But last week we turned in our paperwork, and we’ll hear back after the committee meeting in a couple of weeks. We don’t know the “load in” or “load out” dates, but it will be early June and late July. It’s hard for me not having an exact plan, but I’m managing to cope (sort of.)

Show Statement: Brush Buddies

They met at the Watercolor Society of Oregon convention and for the last ten years, Tara Choate and Sandra Pearce have avidly painted the things that captured their attention. Sometimes together, most times apart.

Tara

Sandra

As you will see by this retrospective exhibition, Sandra’s attention rests mainly on the land, but Tara is more easily distracted. While both artists focus on watercolor—a medium of endless challenges and opportunities—Tara has also provided a selection of acrylic paintings and even some works in oil.

Tara and Sandra invite the viewer to share the things that capture their attention and think about what draws your attention. The two artists each have a unique perspective and style—can you tell their pieces apart at a glance?

Tara Choate

Tara Choate paints from her home base of Keizer, Oregon. She has been painting since 2006,and was accepted into the Watercolor Society of Oregon (WSO) in 2009. While she paints primarily in watercolor, she has recently added some acrylic and collage to her repertoire.

Sandra Pearce

Sandra’s recent work includes industrial scenes, both functioning and abandoned to history, as seen in her travels to Europe and around North America. She is excited by the abstraction of space and light and shadow, and delights in the calligraphic details offered by piping, railings and ladders. This is an inspiring direction for Sandra’s growth as an artist, while still living the joy and serenity of painting nature.

Due to image resolution and file size issues, Sandra and I have chosen not to all 60 paintings on our “social media” sites; you’ll just have to swing by the Keizer Community Center (930 Chemawa Road NE, Keizer, Oregon 97303) sometime (more details to come.) I will say that I think it’s going to be a really lovely show.

Plan: Returning to Work Full Time

Last Sunday, after taking a week off and then working two weeks part time due to a medication-induced breakdown, I felt ready to return to work full-time. I was nervous about it, but I went over some guidelines and exercises and thought I was ready for a new challenge. Monday went well–I did all my health breaks including my 1-hour lunch where I got a walk with the dog and a short yoga routine. I was tired at the end of the day, but it is work and you’re supposed to be tired.

Tuesday is where it all fell apart. The State of Oregon has reopened their offices, and most employees have been asked to return to on site work at least one day a week. Before all this happened, my boss and I had decided Tuesdays would be a good day to come in, and so on Tuesday I made my way to the office. I carefully packed good food and decided to take the dog, who could hang out in the car (underground parking, very cool, with a nice water bowl); Key would be a good excuse to make sure I took breaks. We got to work 45 minutes early and took a walk around the grounds, which really are lovely, spotting three different types of warblers along the way (okay, honestly, I was more excited about this than Key, but I think he had a good time.)  After the walk, I “arrived” and went to a cubicle to set up and get going.

Things started to go downhill immediately. The cubicle I had checked out was available, but the docking station would not recognize my computer. I changed cubicles but that didn’t change the results. I went over various plugs and lines, thinking I must be missing something; this had worked the last time I was in. Thirty minutes later I was completely frustrated, told the office manager about the issue, put in a ticket to IT, and proceeded to TRY to do some work on my laptop (and only my tiny… little… laptop.) My initial plans for the day had required use of the side-by-side screens and a few other things, so I shifted gears.

Then the parade of people started, I work with lovely people, and I enjoy the company of (almost) all of them. For two years, all of us have seen digital versions of each other, but I think we can all agree that SEEING someone face-to-face is different. Quite a few people were in the office (maybe a dozen?) and people said hi to me and to each other. Conversations and catch-ups filled the air. People got sticky notes and cursed at the copier. All normal, except… it’s not normal anymore. I got increasingly tense, even though I had brought earphones and went down to see the dog at regular intervals. I completely lost sight of taking care of myself. I was following the plan, darn it. The plan was to take breaks with the dog and work in between. And I was going to do it or die trying. (Reality note: No one would have blinked if I had gone home at lunch, or even admitted it was too much.)

I saw this book on my Facebook feed and it spoke to me. I’m naturally an introvert and the last two years has only enhanced that. It shouldn’t have been shocking to find that being asked to work in an environment with a dozen people would be an adjustment. It probably shouldn’t have been rocket science that catching up with friends and hearing about their losses over the last couple of years would be disturbing.

I joke a lot about how difficult humans are to understand. But I probably need to remember that it’s not always a joke and that other people deal with it too.

My boss and I had a check-in in the late afternoon, and as you can imagine, I was well past seeing the forest (objective of taking it easy) for the trees (plan of working all day in the officr). All thoughts of being kind to myself, of taking breaks (I did go down to walk the dog regularly, but as the day progressed, those walks felt more like marches), and being aware of my mental state had vanished. I was in blind tunnel of “just make it through.” I walked into the meeting and my boss asked me if I was enjoying seeing everyone again. I said, “NO!” And here is where my boss gets the first of her two kudos. She looked at me, now rigidly sitting in a chair across from her, and said, “Maybe we should do this when you’re not so… tired.” I got up and stomped back to my cubicle. And cried for the rest of the day. But, by gum, I made it to the END OF THE DAY.

Honestly, I can’t quite figure out what prevented me from seeing that I had moved beyond a healthy space. Part of it is that at 8:30 when I was frustrated and frazzled with the computer stuff and I heard my little voice say, “Maybe it’s time to call it a day?”, industrious worker me scoffed and said, “You’ll never cope if you can’t even make it an hour.” And after that, everything felt like something that should have been no big deal, and I would DEAL WITH IT.

I made it home that evening and checked in with “L” (love you, L); as you may remember, L is my mental safety buddy and is specifically tasked with saying things like “Dial 911”, “Call Emergency”, and “Go to the urgent care.” She listened to my story and said, “I think you went back to work too soon.”

This information floored me. I had taken three weeks off. I had a plan. It SHOULD have been alright.

The next morning, I went into work and there was an email from my boss saying we should reschedule our check in. Within an hour, we were video conferencing. And here is the second kudo. Without preamble, my boss said, “Tara, I care about you and I’m worried about you. I think you came back too quickly. Mental health is nothing to fool around with.”

And I started crying again. She was right, but there was a PLAN! “I don’t know what to do,” I sobbed.

Within a few minutes we agreed that I would take the rest of the day off to do doctor stuff and to decompress. Then I’d return to work half time for the rest of the week and next week. Implied in the conversation is that we’d reassess as necessary.

So, my friends, I am back on medical leave. Choate Plan B. C? D?

For various reasons, I didn’t leave the house much this weekend. I had a variety of plans, but unexpected events tabled all that and I was left to my own devices here. While I did some chores, puzzles, dog walking, etc. I figured painting was a safe way to pass the time. So, I turned to a big sheet of watercolor paper that I had toned a few weeks ago by pouring some extra paint over some Halloween spider web that is hanging around for just this purpose.

I had every intention of then ripping the paper into quarters and doing a series of abstracts. But… this bird was there. You can see where I outlined her above. I pondered this development and finally decided to go for it, but I made the radical decision to NOT use a reference photo or even pick a bird species. This left me the freedom to use any colors I felt would work with the painting.

As I mentioned, last weekend was the WSO convention, where I took Peggy Stermer-Cox‘s excellent class. During the class, I worked on this value sketch.

So, this weekend, I got my courage together and combined the two images.

tentative title – “Messenger”

As you can see, it’s not finished, but I like where it’s going.

After a lot of angst, I decided to use white gouache (sometimes also marketed as titanium white watercolor) rather than fight the veridian green background. I harnessed my mini workshop with Leslie Humphrey a few months ago and decided to mimic her use of gouache to create her white horse. Using gouache (said like squash) to make white gets a bad rap in the watercolor world. Amateurs often use it to try to fix their watercolors, and it ends up looking…. well, amateurish. Instructors don’t hesitate to point out the importance of “saving” white in watercolor and can go on a bit about techniques like multiple washes or negative painting. Quickly, painters learn to hide their white qouache (and their black paint when they are told to “mix their darks”.)

But gouache has a lot going for it. It provides a creamy texture that can add a lot of warmth and body to a painting (fact: in older paintings, you will see “body color” mentioned. That means it’s ink (or some other medium) with a little gouache to bring out the white areas). It tends to dry quickly and makes for fabulous scratching and pushing texture. While it can’t be used for washes, it can be layered to create effect, though the artist should be prepared for the layer below to suffer some damage. It does lift easily and allows the artist to make changes very easily.

Creating this bird without a reference photo or even a specific species has been challenging. It’s an eagle… a hawk… a falcon… a phoenix? I don’t think it’s important to spell it out, but it does have to meet some basic parameters of “birdness” so the viewer can work through the painting without getting stuck on that point.

So, more to come on this painting adventure.

In other (non-art) news

Those of you who are here for art, you can stop here. The rest of this blog post is about personal stuff.

If you chose to go on, there may be some triggering stuff. (Seriously, consider stopping)

Safety Rails

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been struggling with depression quite a bit lately. I made the choice to go on an additional antidepression medicine this week, and that decision has had some fairly serious consequences. From previous experience, I made an emergency plan with a good friend (L, I love you!) during which we had a frank conversation about what to do if things went sideways.

I started the new medication on Monday morning (the advice was to take it in the mornings) and I went along with my Monday and Tuesday in pretty normal fashion. Tuesday night I didn’t sleep well, but it wasn’t a huge deal. Wednesday I was a little tired, and thought I could start to feel a slight shift, but basically moved forward with life. The last thing on Wednesday I had a conversation with a co-worker that was both intense and uncomfortable and I did notice afterwards that I was pretty shaken up about it. But those kind of conversations are hard, so I put a “note in the file” and went forward. Again, I didn’t sleep well Wednesday night, and by Thursday morning I made a note on my board to remind myself that I could take time off if necessary. Then things sort of fell apart.

I “went” to work and noticed that I couldn’t seem to concentrate. I’d open an email and then “wander” off to some other task. I noticed I had a meeting later, so I read through the notes and literally did not understand what my function in the meeting was to be. I called my boss and she was impatient about my lack of understanding, but spelled out my roll. I made some notes and went to the meeting. I wish I could tell you about the meeting, but the only think I actually remember is hearing people talk, looking at the document, and feeling frustrated because something was “wrong” (no idea what, but something was.) When asked a question, I couldn’t figure out how to articulate the issue and so I ended up saying “Whatever.” I couldn’t follow the conversation, I couldn’t read the document, I couldn’t explain the problem.

After the meeting, I sat looking at my screen for a few minutes. Something was wrong. I just wanted to die. (Please note: I was not and am not suicidal, this is suicidal ideation.) I sat there trying to remember the plan my friend had talked about when my boss called. She was upset because I hadn’t “shown up” to the meeting. Fair enough, but I had bigger problems. I mumbled something about having a bad day and she impatiently told me to take the rest of the day off then. I started crying and realized I needed to activate the emergency plan.

I called my friend who insisted (as we had discussed) that I call my doctor RIGHT NOW! Now crying incoherently, I called the health provider’s mental health line and got through to a receptionist who must have exceptional deciphering skills, because she sent a note to the doctor AND send me to the mental health crisis line. There, after they checked to make sure I really wasn’t going to commit suicide worked me through the situation. In the end, it boiled down to this. This new medication works by bombarding the brain to get the neurons to start working again (the current thinking is that depression happens because the neurons stop sending certain kinds of messages (happy or comforting ones) through). While right now I was struggling, if I could get through this, prior experience indicated to health care professionals (HCP) that this drug might be quite effective for me. But we had to get through right now.

I mumbled something about the situation at work, and the HCP gave me a sick note for two weeks. I do have that kind of time available, so that was one problem (maybe) solved. We moved onto my current feelings. I had stopped crying (positive progress) and we both thought a quick walk with the dog followed by some jigsaw puzzling and TV watching would be just the thing. HCP asked me about other issues and I admitted that I felt like I couldn’t drive: my hands were shaking and I kept just drifting off to other thoughts, rather than concentrating on driving. HCP agreed that wasn’t helpful, so we worked out a plan to cancel my plans for the weekend and be a homebody. The food situation was fine, and so I was essentially safe at home. HCP gave me the crisis line and I agreed to call if I needed.

I called my friend back (love you, L) and assured her the crisis was at least five minutes old now and we came up with additional emergency plans if necessary. I didn’t sleep well again that night, so I got up at three in the morning and searched the internet for how to “tell your boss about a mental health breakdown.” It’s not the best search result ever, but there were a few good articles. In the email I didn’t say much other than I was having issues and needed to take at least a week off, accompanied by the note from the doctor. The next morning she acknowledge the email and said we’d come up with a more comprehensive plan on Monday, and I put an out of office message on my email.

Friday was a pretty bad day, but Saturday seemed marginally better. Today, Sunday… well, I slept through the night last night and there have been significantly fewer periods of existential dread. But I am going to go with the plan of taking the week off. I still keep “drifting off” and under the pressure of a work situation, I don’t know that I would be able to cope in a meaningful manner. Also, as my job is quite detailed, and the fact that I can’t concentrate might not make for the best situation. Additionally, I am discovering is that I am having a lot of trouble speaking. It’s like the words get lost between my brain and my mouth. It’s possible there are just no thoughts, but that’s never stopped me before.

As a sign of hope, I offer the following. I have been noticing beautiful things more, which is something that I am now noticing I haven’t been doing.

And the last few nights, I have had the vivid, technicolor dreams. (As an example of my lack of ability to concentrate, I typed “colors” three times in place of the word “nights” in the sentence before.)

As a final note, I am noticing that I have more connections than I think I do. A friend invited me over to dinner on Sunday, which I ended up turning down because of… well. My cousins are vacationing at the beach house, and they offered to come by and help if I needed it. A work friend (who I don’t think knew about the situation) dropped by on Saturday with knitting bowl she made. Another work friend sent a series of texts checking up on me. A different friend who I haven’t called in a few weeks called out the blue today and we chatted for a while. And of course, L is the best. As are all my FB friends who I am sure would (and will) send comfort.

So, for the next week I’m here at home. It’s not a staycation, more like inpatient treatment. I’ve developed a little schedule to follow, and a have a short list of chores I’d like to get done. More puzzles, more dog walking, and more painting ahead!

Final note: I suspect there are more than the usual numbers of typos in this article. At least I keep finding them. My apologies. I hope you understand.