I searched for this word/feeling on Google, but I couldn’t find it. Maybe it doesn’t exist? The feeling that you want to get somewhere, and you know the somewhere exists, but you have no idea how to get there. You aren’t lost. You know where you are. But you can’t figure out the path between where you are and where you want to be. Whatever the word for this feeling, that is emotionally and physically where I am. Thus, it is unsurprising that I am currently in the middle of an art piece that I know how it should look, but I don’t know how to get there. There is a lot of paint flying around the room.

Sabbatical Update

It’s been a month since I started my sabbatical. In most ways, I feel like I am (slowly) heading in the right direction. I’m not longer experiencing adrenaline attacks of anxiety and I’ve (mostly) given up on imaginary conversations where I “win”. Unsurprisingly, there is no shortage of things to do. The days go by quickly. By the time I have my morning coffee, take the dog for a walk, and play in the garden (weather permitting) it is easy to spend the afternoon working on computer projects or art. There are still errands and chores. If I am starting to feel a little panic about letting the days slip away without a plan, I try hard to listen to the kind part of my brain say, says, “Tara, it’s only been a month. You’ve been working full time for 30 years. Let things unfold in their own time.” Rather than the mean part says, “You need to do something to make this thing worthwhile!”

Looking at my work over the last few weeks, I really see this dichotomy playing out. Please indulge me as I try to explain.

Brushed

A few weeks ago, during my initial decluttering phase, I decided to clean out and donate a bunch (a big bunch) easels. I put the various colors in mason jars (yellows, blues, pinks, reds, etc.) and have been working on using up these colors ever since. There is a little urgency to this quest; the colors are mixed with water and with some of the colors, mold has become a force. As such, I’ve found myself spending evenings just painting over various paintings. Just painting. Applying color. Painting.

I find this process spellbinding. Sometimes the colors completely obscure what is underneath, sometimes they blend, sometimes the old paintings show through.  I’m not sure where this is going, other than trying to use up the paint. But I think it might be going somewhere.

Ibis

Several of these brushed pieces had a color range that reminded me of white-faced ibis. I had three pieces in the same color range as well as the piece below; however, the piece below also has acrylic on it, so it isn’t exactly the same, but it is also brushed with the same mix.

Earlier this week I received an email from the ISEA that their Annual Juried Exhibition “Innovations” would be opening in a few days. Unlike their other two annual shows, this exhibit is in person and exists at the location of the annual Symposium. I have signed up to go to the symposium this year due to Kimberly Santini giving a two-day workshop. It is in Grand Haven, MI, in September, and I figure the trip, symposium, and return will take the better part of three weeks. I’d like to have a piece in the show.

So, upon receiving the reminder email, I decided to work on a piece for the show. I had some papers I had overpainted on my desk, and the color reminded me of the iridescence of white-fronted ibis. I decided to stop fighting my idea and do a collage with the paper.

After sketching the ibis on tracing paper to get the sizes right, I used the paper to make a pattern, then cut out the birds. Seeing them on a blank background made me realize I needed to, you know, have a background. I decided I didn’t want to “waste” a half-sheet of watercolor paper, so I decided to assemble one with scraps of bad paintings.

This lead to a kind of party, with backgrounds assembled, glued, gessoed, and painted in a willy-nilly manner that promises to create fun, but may not exactly what I was looking for.

 

Gifts

About three backgrounds later, I was applying the last layers of gesso when I accidently saw the assembled background from the back side (meaning the various failed paintings). It had a fun quality to it, so I decided to gesso the back (with color) instead of the blank fronts. Upon removing the cling-wrap texture, I was really enamored. I dismissed the idea of the piece being “good enough”, but the more I looked at it, the more I liked it.

I had just about decided to go ahead and give it a shot as-is when I picked it up and saw that I hadn’t completely covered the entire “area” of the paper. There were several little holes. I got out my faux-gold foil and filled them in, a little like kintsugi (repairing a broken piece of ceramic with gold).

This piece feels like a reflection of me, at least right now. Unexpected, off track, and with holes. But, also, with beauty and grace. As I am going through this sabbatical process, I’ve read a few books on burnout and stress, but nothing seems to fit. So far, the closest I’ve come is “Braiding Sweetgrass” which is a delightful read that invites me to slow down and find balance. I see the themes of that book in this piece.

Gritty Gusto

The deadline for the AAEA show is coming up (July 14), and I really would like to get a piece selected. As I have mentioned before, I have been accepted three times (the minimum for juried membership), but not within the same five year period: 2015, 2017, and 2022. I need to be accepted twice more in the next three years to get that coveted membership. As such, I did this small study today, in preparation for a larger piece.

I’m pleased with most everything except the horse’s head. It’s overworked. I may fiddle some more with values and see if I can resolve it.

Looking Ahead

For this next week, there isn’t much going on. I am hoping to get in some good painting and project time. Starting in April, I’ll be gallery sitting (Pacific Artists’ Co-Op Gallery). Additionally, the WSO convention (with painting drop-off and pick-up) will be that first week, so it promises to be a busy month.

As I final note, I have added an item to my daily self-care report on Facebook (when I get get FB to post it).

Again, this is following Gretchen Rubin’s regime of a goal a month. I’m finding it difficult, much more so than decluttering. The voice in my head gives me a lot of grief about “wasting time” on things like moisturizing my legs or taking Qi Gong class twice a week, even those these are the kinds of things that make me feel better. I may have to spend more time on this one, but it’s an area I need to work on.

Because my gifts deserve care.

That was a hard sentence to write.