Out of the fog

The last few days, I have been noticing that I feel a little clearer. Concentrating seems a little easier. I feel less raw and emotional.

Of course, this isn’t to say I don’t feel emotions. I am still tired (as an emotion), but it’s getting better. It seems to be replaced with irritation or anger. I’m not sure it’s an improvement.

It’s been the better part of three weeks since Mom died. And just over two months since “the diagnosis”. Time marches on.

I’ve made good headway on working her estate.

  • Notified banks
  • Notified life insurance
  • Gone through bills
  • Identified and called medical/prescription issues
  • Changed and cancelled auto-pay items (except for house)
  • Identified a CPA (done early in process)
  • Meet with estate lawyers (today) to start probate

As for the physical side of her stuff, Mom has essentially been moved out of the Salem house, though there is the beach house to address. Sigh.

I had intended to go to the beach this weekend, but it’s just too busy, so it’s on the schedule for next week.

I recently read Marie Kondo’s book, and I’ve decided to try to use it (heaven help me) to go through this process. My goal is to sort all my stuff, Mom’s stuff, and my various grandparent stuff (4 in all) into one house of things that I love and value. It won’t happen overnight, but I’m trying to take steps so that over the course of the next year, I can achieve my goal.

2019 promises to be hard. The trick is to keep things as simple as possible (yes, I hear you laughing along with me). But maybe by 2020, I’ll know where I’m headed.

Healthy Steps – 4.39

Because I don’t push my “healthy steps” set of blogs out to Facebook, my sense is that this set of blogs is mostly my own. That’s okay. It’s really just my log to try to keep myself motivated and accountable.

Wednesday, at check in, I had gained .2 lbs. There are several reasons that is a big victory.

I took a fall on Monday and I was on painkillers (known water retention) and stiff and sore (known water retention). So, that gain felt like a win because it was so small.

Since then, I feel like I have been making strides toward getting back on track. My work desk is no longer filled with candy, the house is out of ice cream, and I’m generally getting back to eating “normally” which is to say not staggering around eating whatever I want.

I sat down this evening with the solid intention of recording all that, but I also had been thinking a lot about time.

I’ve been (continuously) on Weight Watchers now for almost 5 years. April 21 will be that big anniversary. With my weight and history, I have accepted that WW is just going to be part of my life now.

So this week, I changed my “numbering system” of these posts so I could keep track of years and weeks. I could have just said “247 weeks”, but it feels hard to remember when a year hits.

I’m not sure that this is a stellar plan because immediately I have started to worry about “how much time has passed.” But here’s the deal.

This has been the ONLY 5-year period in my life, since I was 13, when I did not GAIN weight.

So, that’s enough for me to keep trying. I know it’s hard, but it’s also important.

My goals:

  • Eating my prepared food
  • Hit 10,000, taking at least one break/lunch walk
  • Tracking breakfast and lunch
  • 2 Frappuccino per day

I actually toyed a little with the idea of increasing them, but I’ll see what I can do about nailing them before adding more.

WW makes a big deal about knowing your “Why”. There are a lot of reasons I am still working on this. But here’s one from a few years ago that still touches me.

Not so in order

I have a habit of writing emails and posts  that contain numbered lists. Occasionally, I find this a little obnoxious, but there is something extremely comforting about a list.  I had 18 things I wanted to accomplish this weekend. At the same time, I’m having trouble remembering how doors work.

Friday

Friday was day two of the replacement of one side of the backyard fence. For once, I stumbled across a contractor who kicked rump! He started on Thursday and was done by end of day on Friday! Wow. Should I b buy a lottery ticket?

As though to prevent too much good feeling, Friday night I had to hurry over and pick up Mom’s ashes and her death certificates. While the ashes are, essentially, just sentimental, not too much can happen without the death certificates.

On my way home, I stopped at Minto Brown with Key and enjoyed the evening light.

Saturday

Both Saturday and Sunday the highlight was pretty much walking the dog. I took my camera out and got these photos.

These things happened too.

  • Deep water exercise class
  • Laundry
  • Took dog for walk
  • Paperwork for Mom’s estate
  • Little Free Library restock
  • Reseed grass seed around NEW fence
  • Worked in studio

Sunday

Though I  had the best of intentions for art, the day went very similarly to Saturday.

  • Groceries
  • Food prep
  • Laundry
  • Paperwork for Mom’s estate
  • Go to the library
  • Took dog for walk
  • Go to church
  • Worked in studio

But even though I tried to hit the deadline, I missed entering the NWWS show by 75 minutes (I thought I  had until 8pm, but it was 6pm). This is what I would have entered…

Page 1

Loss

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

On the bright side, I did manage to enter the Wild Women show (don’t know if I got in) and I finished my application for Community Supported Art.

This week I’ll continue to work on the things I didn’t get done.

  • Vacuum
  • Mom’s estate (target insurance)
  • Haircut and pedicure
  • Entering the Coos show
  • Entering the WSO show
  • Play in studio

This coming weekend is a 4-day weekend and my original idea was to head to the beach to work on the beach house. But I have to meet with the lawyers on Friday, Saturday is critique group and the Women’s March, Sunday is nose work class (Key has some shows coming up), and Monday is an appointment with the therapist, so I’m not sure I’m going to make it. I’d like to start clearing out some things, which I think might help me get closer to figuring out what to do.

But I suspect that it’s just going to wait. As I remind myself daily, there is no hurry to make decisions.

Healthy Steps – Weeks 51 &52

Wednesday (January 9) I checked in at WW. When I did, I realized it was a big day. It has been 1 year (and 4 before that) since I said I was serious about working on a healthier lifestyle.

So… have I done it?

While I am currently on an upswing, I have lost a total of 22.2 lbs this year. At one point, that number was closer to 40, but the point is that I made progress.

A year ago I was saying this:

I am morbidly obese. This last year has shown me that this burden is going to get harder as I age.

  • My feet hurt; I’m still struggling with plantar fasciitis.

  • My knee hurts: I have a torn meniscus.

  • My breathing is not great: I’m recovering from the flu, but also just fat.

  • My back hurts.

  • My hips ache.

With Mom’s death, I am starkly aware of the burdens obesity puts on the body. When I was closer to -40, I have to say most of those had improved a lot. Currently, I can only report that most of these things are better, but not where I want them to be.

So, looking forward to another year, am I willing to keep trying.

Hell, yes.

It’s been 12 days since Mom died, and I can’t promise to really get into this yet, but even over the last week, I’ve made steps. And for this week, I’m going to work on being kind to myself and adding these goals.

  • Eating my prepared food
  • Hit 10,000, taking at least one break/lunch walk
  • Tracking breakfast
  • 2 Frappuccino per day

I started a year ago with these two thoughts.

Indeed. I’m signing up for a few more steps.

2019 Goals

For the first time that I can remember, undoubtedly due to Mom’s recent death, I find myself looking forward to the year ahead and not really knowing how it should look. In some ways, so much is on my plate that wasn’t before. In other ways, there is a lot I don’t have to worry about or do.

The goals that I feel most drawn to right now are goals like “take it easy on yourself” and “give it time.” A Facebook friend posted this thought:

Instead of resolutions, ask yourself:

  • What do I need to Stop?

  • What do I need to Start?

  • What do I need to Continue?

So, as I sit down to contemplate the year ahead, I am going to reorganize my list into those categories.

Stop

  • Taking painting commissions
  • Stop entering plein air unless you really find you enjoy it
  • Take fewer workshops (limit to Skip Lawrence)
  • Mom’s Estate (the goal here is to be done with it by the end of the year)
  • Trying to fix other people
  • Taking things personally

Start

  • Establish MY style when I paint
  • Get my website current and keep it that way
  • Submit my paintings to these new events:
  • Taking care of my body
  • Find a source for yoga and/or meditation and go to it
  • Get 8 hours sleep (this means going to bed early)
  • Making time for friends
  • 52 books for the Goodreads 2019 Reading Challenge
  • Allowing  myself to admit that I don’t like certain things

Continue

  • Blog at least once a week about art
  • Attend critique group
  • Continue to enter these shows:
  • Go to Weight Watchers regularly
  • Caring about the environment
    • Not taking plastic bags at the store; use reusable bags (2013)
    • Using coffee cups at coffee place (2014)
    • Picking up after the dog every time (2015)
    • Not consuming palm oil (2016)
    • Less car, more bike (2017)
    • Energy audit my house (2018)
    • DIY household products (2019)
  • Training Key in nose work
  • Remember that alone time is an important part of my mental health

2018 Goals in Review

2018: A year that changed dramatically from what was planned. Still, progress was made.

The items in blue were accomplished. Items in red were not. Items in green are partial.

Painting

  • Keep painting
  • Finish the commission that is taking FOREVER
  • Do RB homework
  • Write at least once a week (goal on Sunday) about your art
  • Attend critique group (did a few times, but more often was doing other things)
  • Enter both WSO shows
  • Enter the Equine Art Show (Emerald Downs)
  • Submit to the AAEA Show
  • Submit to both NWWS Shows (new goal for 2018)
  • Submit to Emerald Art Center show
  • Organize and attend Ruth Buchanan workshop (2018 drawing)
  • Participate in local art group Artists in Action
    • Participate in Paint the Town
    • Fall Studio Sale with Artists in Action

Health

  • Go to Weight Watchers regularly
    • Eat more vegetables
    • Eat less sugar
    • Eat more fiber
    • Drink water
  • Participate in walking challenges (particularly with the dog)
  • Find a source for yoga and/or meditation and go to it
  • Go to physical therapy; improve knee and foot – I believe I did this, but as I’m still struggling, I am not giving myself full credit for this.
  • Write at least once a week (goal on Wednesday) about your weight loss
  • Get 8 hours sleep (this means going to bed early)

Reading

  • Goodreads 2018 Book Challenge: 104 books (accomplished 86)
    • 2017 goal – 86 of 104
    • 2016 goal = 100 of 100
    • 2015 Goal = 100 of 100
    • 2014 Goal = 80 of 90
    • 2013 Goal = 118 of 125
    • 2012 Goal = 111 of 200
    • 2011 = 56 of 50

Writing

  • Edit and finalize the book I “finished” during the 2017 NaNoWriMo
  • Participate in the 2018 NaNoWriMo

Pets

  • Do a walk after work, hike on the weekends
  • Get Key Odor Recognition Trial (ORT) certified
  • Participate in 4 trials (including ORT)
  • No more cats if Bob dies

Home and Garden

  • Water my new front yard to ensure the plants don’t die
  • Put in my Little Free Library area
  • Improve kitchen table area

Environmental

  • Continue 2013 goal of not taking plastic bags at the store
    • Use reusable bags
  • Continue 2014 goal of using coffee cups at coffee place
  • Continue 2015 goal of picking up after the dogs every time
  • Continue 2016 goal of not consuming palm oil
  • Improve on 2017 goal of scaling back on car use
    • Bike to work at least 3 of 5 days per week
  • 2018 goal: energy audit my house

Knitting

  • Finish four projects
  • Investigate a knitting group

Money

  • Let’s just put it out there that I can improve…
  • Donate to charity

Volunteering

  • Church – website and tech team
  • WSO – website and fall convention
  • State Food Drive planning
  • Decide on a volunteer project (either Food Bank or Fostering Dogs) and do it!

Career

  • Remain employed
  • Say hello in the morning

Random

  • Go camping at least once
  • Explore the local art museum (Ford)
  • Visit the Salem carousel
  • See 150 species of birds
  • Remember that alone time is an important part of my mental health

How’s the blogging going – 2018 version

For each of the five years I have been blogging, I have posted a fairly geeky post about my progress and numbers.It’s something I look forward to, and it helps me get an idea of what the next year might look like.

Posts and Other Numbers

  2014 2015 2016 2017 2018
Posts 158 124 71 64 112
Sessions 2899 7081 2700 2277 3545
Users 1262 5108 1691 1334 2795
Page Views 9790 13586 7009 7925 9888

I did VERY well this year on posts, almost doubling my total last year. I tried to blog each week about my weight loss journey, but that still leaves a lot of art and life posts

The users have picked back up after dropping last year, and the analytics reports that Facebook is my main source of engagement (no surprise there.)

Data Trends

I’m going to go light here this year. I have a lot of data that I find fascinating, but I’m not sure how readable it is!

Most popular posts (by month)

Conclusion

My next post will be about how I did on my 2018 goals. After that, it’ll be 2019 with a list of new goals.

Re-entry

Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time since Mom’s death. While I can’t say I’m excited (at least not with a straight face), I do think it’s time. It will be nice to talk about normal things again.

While there is still a long list of things to get done, sorted, addressed, or otherwise dealt with, I have used this time to accomplish what I  can.

  • Called banks
  • Called insurance
  • Called lawyers, CPA, and investments
  • Met with funeral home
  • Selected memorial date ( April 13)
  • Notified list about death
  • Cancelled accounts
  • Transferred accounts
  • Reassembled house into correct compartments

While some of these chores will have to be revisited after more paperwork arrives, this is a good start. It may even be where I should leave off because most other progress requires death certificates. I  need to let the wheels turn.

So, it’s back to work.

But the other point of re-entry is that I need to address the year end/year beginning blogs that were pushed aside in the shuffle. And that, my friends, is tonight’s goal!

Good-bye, Maggie

Margaret Choate: August 21, 1947 – December 31, 2018

As most will know by now, my mom, Maggie Choate, died yesterday in the late afternoon. I posted the information on her CaringBridge site and then on social media. For those left out of those venues, I have spent the day emailing and (as a last resort) calling with notifications.

I sat down just now with the intention of doing a formal obituary, but I am not sure I can do that today.

Instead, I think I will thank all the people who have been in contact over the last couple of months. Cards, social media, emails, and phone calls. It was nearly a hundred names that I could find, and I’m sure I missed some people.

  • Linda Aguirre
  • John & Margaret Albrect
  • Mike & Lori Anderson
  • Ruth Armitage
  • Linda Betts
  • Jaye Blackwood
  • Suzi Blaisdell
  • Connie Brauer
  • Harold & Connie Brauer
  • Vern & Velma Buttolph
  • Dorothy & Tom Carlson
  • Gayle Chestnut
  • Karen Childers
  • Sharon Chinn
  • Molly Choate
  • Robin & Darrel Choate
  • Pat Cunningham
  • Joanne Daschel
  • Jessica Dominic
  • Kathy & Dan Draper
  • Laurie & Ray Dunbar
  • Helen Eden
  • Denise Evans
  • Linda Feammelli
  • Dick & Marty Ferguson
  • Alana Ferrell
  • Carol Forncrook
  • Patricia Frost
  • Charlene Fugel
  • Kathy Furman
  • Janet Gifford
  • Shaun & Mary Beth Gilluly
  • Kelly Gilluly Weyd
  • Judy Hardy
  • Chad Harris
  • Collen & Jim Hartell
  • Becki Hesedahl
  • Mary Margaret Hite
  • Stevie Hoblitt
  • Dolly & Stephen Howe
  • Sue Iman
  • Colleen Jordan
  • Charlotte Kammer
  • Holly & Tom Larson
  • Sandee Margeson
  • Janalee McFadgen
  • Jamie Meckey
  • Marc & Diane Melone
  • Paula & Wayne Messmer
  • Jan Molnar-Fitzgerald
  • Ann Moore
  • Jane Myers
  • Stephen Nelson
  • Devon Nichols
  • The Nottis
  • Marjorie Pool Davis
  • Cheryl Ann Redfearn
  • Julia & Bob Richardson
  • Kristina Rinell
  • Bob & Phyllis Roberts Daniels
  • Dee Ann Rogue
  • Linda Romine
  • Marilyn Rosenfeld
  • Robin Shelby
  • Ann Skow
  • Janette Skow
  • Marty Sodorff-Ferguson
  • Thomas Straugh
  • Darrel, Sharon, & Brad Vallance
  • Mary Wallace
  • Lori Westling
  • Jan Wilson
  • Gina Wimsey
  • Bobbi Wolf
  • Amber & Ken Wood
  • Quynh Ane & Zack Wood
  • Don & Donna Wood
  • AJ & Kathy
  • Brad & Linda
  • Carmin
  • Connie & Harry
  • Dennis & Linda
  • Errol & Sally
  • Janette & Tom
  • John & Donna
  • Kem & Mistie Dog
  • Krystel, Rocky, Griffey, & Haden
  • Lynn, Steve, Maize, Zinc, & Valor
  • Melissa, Jacob, Madison & Hudson
  • Nancy
  • Penny & Arnie
  • Robin & Mike
  • The Coffee Group: Nancy, Carmin, Ann, Jan, Penny, Alana, Colleen

Thank you all for your support, and thank you to the ones I  missed from this list!

Third background technique

I had a blog post all planned about how staying home and taking care of Mom was turning out to be good painting time. And I was going to show you what I was working on and talk about it.

But the fact of the matter is, I’m just too blue tonight. It was a tough day that ended in harsh words.

Here are the paintings. I’m working on the “third background” technique, but it’s harder than it sounds.

Hit and Miss

Loss

Maiden in Braids

Stick the Landing

Tell someone you love them today.

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