Today it has become clear to me that humans were not meant to live a long time. We were meant to be killed and eaten in our prime by a saber tooth tiger.
As Thomas Hobbes put it, “Life is nasty, brutish, and short.”
Mom had a bad pain day today. I’m not 100% sure what happened, but it started off that she didn’t take her normal pain medicine “on time.” In the week I have been done this, I already know this is the start of a disaster.
About 11:00, Mom called and left this message (I was in a meeting and had forgotten my phone at my desk):
“Hi, Tara, it’s Mom. My side is hurting pretty bad and I don’t seem to be able to get it to stop. But I don’t remember what else I can take. Would you check with hospice and then let me know what I can take. Thanks. Bye.”
I came home and placed a call to hospice and ended up giving Mom morphine for the second time.
When I got home for the evening, she took some more and when that didn’t work, we called hospice again and did a second stronger dose.
As near as I can tell, the (lung) cancer in her liver is making her liver swell. That, in turn, aggravates nerves that were never intended to be aggravated. The result seems to be pretty excruciating.
While I know this is awful for Mom, the thing that’s hardest for me is that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do. There is no action I can take. I desperately want to do something, and there is NOTHING to be done. This is the epitome of mindfulness; I can only only be around to offer my presence.
Other than tracking down that saber tooth tiger…