Last week I gave up on Weight Watchers.

Something just gave in me and I ate everything. This was a conscious decision. I knew I was doing it.

I kept a few things from my healthy ways. I packed lunch a couple of days. I walked at lunch and took the dog for hikes.

But essentially, I just ate things and reveled in a general feeling of self-loathing.

I’m not sure exactly what gave. I wrote about my bad Monday (thank you everyone for your kind words). And yes, that was a trigger. But, before that I bought the bullet and loaded the gun. I was just waiting for an excuse to pull the trigger.

On Friday (and this is related) I met with someone who will be taking over the Watercolor Society of Oregon website. That was a hard meeting, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. There will be a few months of transition, but it’s one thing that is going away. A few weeks ago I decided to give up the Three Rivers Artist Guild website and marketing committee, and those changes have already been made.

On Saturday I decided to stop offering AirBNB.

I looked at my weekly schedule and thought about what could go. And I changed my Sound Equine Options day to Saturdays. I might not be able to do it every week, but having an extra weeknight to relax will help me.

On Sunday I slept until almost noon, missing church and every other thing I could or should have done.

And about 3:00 on Sunday I walked to my refrigerator and knew I had to make a choice. A real choice. A week of eating (or even 5 months of slow sliding) is not the end. Assuming I am not hit by a bus, life will go on and I will either get older and healthier or older and diseased. I needed to decide whether I wanted to be on Weight Watchers and still tell people “I’m working on improving my lifestyle” or whether I wanted to face an eventual return to my previous weight and probably more.

I thought about the good things that have happened over the last 15 months: I’m breathing better, my blood sugar is more level, my blood pressure has dropped, I am off one medication, my cholesterol is heading in the correct direction, it no longer hurts to walk. At one point I was within 12 pounds of being able to ride a horse. I was dreaming about taking canoeing lessons.

And I thought about the freedom to eat and overeat as my problem solver. I thought about going into Weight Watchers on Monday and facing another gain (it would be a big one this week.)

I got in the car and went to the grocery store. And stalked up on the makings of salads and healthy snacks.

I’m not ready to give up.

Monday I weighed in and faced the music. At my best, back in February, I had lost a total of 88 pounds. As of Monday I have regained 32.6 pounds (for a total loss of 55.4 pounds.) M

I am not feeling confident, but I am feeling like I am going to try again. I’m going to concentrate on the following:

1. Breakfast: I’m doing well, and I’m going to add back in a yogurt because I felt better when I had that
2. Morning snack: My first challenge. I’m packing an extra fruit and working to remove the chocolate bar (or more) that has entered here.
3. Lunch: Another doing well. I’m going to keep packing my salad in a jar.
4. Afternoon snack: I’ve been doing well here, but I’m going to change it up. I’m going to get a Starbucks 2 times a week (not every day) and pack an extra veggie. I’ve been toying with the idea of adding a fruit here.
5. Dinner: My most challenging. I don’t cook, so it’s mostly frozen meals. But I need to do some canning to get some veggies stashed away for the winter. In the meantime… well, in spite of it being summer, I’m feeling clueless.
6. Exercise: I’m averaging about 45 minutes around the office and I’d like like to work on getting a walk with the dog to bring it up to 75 minutes. It’s so hot though… (insert a small whine here)

My Weight Watchers instructor is always talking about a couple of things. One, we are here [at Weight Watchers] to change our relationship with food. And two, there is no limit on second chances.

I need to remember those things. There is no one that I love who if they came to me and said, “I’m going to start Weight Watchers again” I would say “Oh, you can’t. You’ve tried before and one time is all you get.”

We were challenged a few weeks ago to come up with a vision board. I had to raid Pintrest, but here are a few that I need to keep in mind.

I don’t know  if I can do this. But I know that if I had three wishes, I would wish to loose weight. This is a wish that I can make happen.