Jul 08

Keeping it real (about giving up)

Last week I gave up on Weight Watchers.

Something just gave in me and I ate everything. This was a conscious decision. I knew I was doing it.

I kept a few things from my healthy ways. I packed lunch a couple of days. I walked at lunch and took the dog for hikes.

But essentially, I just ate things and reveled in a general feeling of self-loathing.

I’m not sure exactly what gave. I wrote about my bad Monday (thank you everyone for your kind words). And yes, that was a trigger. But, before that I bought the bullet and loaded the gun. I was just waiting for an excuse to pull the trigger.

On Friday (and this is related) I met with someone who will be taking over the Watercolor Society of Oregon website. That was a hard meeting, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. There will be a few months of transition, but it’s one thing that is going away. A few weeks ago I decided to give up the Three Rivers Artist Guild website and marketing committee, and those changes have already been made.

On Saturday I decided to stop offering AirBNB.

I looked at my weekly schedule and thought about what could go. And I changed my Sound Equine Options day to Saturdays. I might not be able to do it every week, but having an extra weeknight to relax will help me.

On Sunday I slept until almost noon, missing church and every other thing I could or should have done.

And about 3:00 on Sunday I walked to my refrigerator and knew I had to make a choice. A real choice. A week of eating (or even 5 months of slow sliding) is not the end. Assuming I am not hit by a bus, life will go on and I will either get older and healthier or older and diseased. I needed to decide whether I wanted to be on Weight Watchers and still tell people “I’m working on improving my lifestyle” or whether I wanted to face an eventual return to my previous weight and probably more.

I thought about the good things that have happened over the last 15 months: I’m breathing better, my blood sugar is more level, my blood pressure has dropped, I am off one medication, my cholesterol is heading in the correct direction, it no longer hurts to walk. At one point I was within 12 pounds of being able to ride a horse. I was dreaming about taking canoeing lessons.

And I thought about the freedom to eat and overeat as my problem solver. I thought about going into Weight Watchers on Monday and facing another gain (it would be a big one this week.)

I got in the car and went to the grocery store. And stalked up on the makings of salads and healthy snacks.

I’m not ready to give up.

Monday I weighed in and faced the music. At my best, back in February, I had lost a total of 88 pounds. As of Monday I have regained 32.6 pounds (for a total loss of 55.4 pounds.) M

I am not feeling confident, but I am feeling like I am going to try again. I’m going to concentrate on the following:

  1. Breakfast: I’m doing well, and I’m going to add back in a yogurt because I felt better when I had that
  2. Morning snack: My first challenge. I’m packing an extra fruit and working to remove the chocolate bar (or more) that has entered here.
  3. Lunch: Another doing well. I’m going to keep packing my salad in a jar.
  4. Afternoon snack: I’ve been doing well here, but I’m going to change it up. I’m going to get a Starbucks 2 times a week (not every day) and pack an extra veggie. I’ve been toying with the idea of adding a fruit here.
  5. Dinner: My most challenging. I don’t cook, so it’s mostly frozen meals. But I need to do some canning to get some veggies stashed away for the winter. In the meantime… well, in spite of it being summer, I’m feeling clueless.
  6. Exercise: I’m averaging about 45 minutes around the office and I’d like like to work on getting a walk with the dog to bring it up to 75 minutes. It’s so hot though… (insert a small whine here)

My Weight Watchers instructor is always talking about a couple of things. One, we are here [at Weight Watchers] to change our relationship with food. And two, there is no limit on second chances.

I need to remember those things. There is no one that I love who if they came to me and said, “I’m going to start Weight Watchers again” I would say “Oh, you can’t. You’ve tried before and one time is all you get.”

We were challenged a few weeks ago to come up with a vision board. I had to raid Pintrest, but here are a few that I need to keep in mind.

d04d354167abd82236dfb6234edc4f51

43ec40a92bdedc6558008662f6fc04f4rp_tarajgj-300x211.jpg21b8f5d6fb5f7f920c29ea7bbf2611f1ff7dba8b238ae5d0de083a00155c6b17acc0f21dc94dff663f86354e26f4d1d3I don’t know  if I can do this. But I know that if I had three wishes, I would wish to loose weight. This is a wish that I can make happen.

2 comments

    • Ruth on July 8, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Thanks for keeping it real! Keep up the challenging, but important work on your Weight journey!

    • Mary Margaret on July 8, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    I would almost kill for a 50+ pound weight loss! You have done well and you will do well again. And the best thing about falling off the wagon is getting back in touch with those feelings of self-loathing! Being able to feel good about yourself is an even better feeling than a whole lemon meringue pie! Love you.

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