It is a feat of personal strength that I am writing this.

I went off the rails this week. Everything in the world was too much. EVERYTHING! And the only solution was chocolate and gummy worms intermittently thrown into my mouth, much like a seal snapping a fish out of the air.

Accurate representation of my eating habits this week.

I can’t even begin to talk about all the things that are going on right now, but essentially, if you name it, it’s somehow not going right. And I’m overwhelmed and at the end of my rope.

I “only” gained 2.6 pounds and that’s some kind of miracle.

Every week, I post this list.

• Eating my prepared food
• Hit 11,000 all seven days, taking at least one break/lunch walk
• Tracking 4 of 7 days
• 2 Frappuccinos per day

But this week, I am only going to work on one of these things. Here’s why.

1. Eating my prepared food: I’m going on vacation in about a week and this next week is a holiday and three days of meetings where I will be fed. So there isn’t going to be a lot of food around the house this week. The real danger will be restraining my food intake when others are preparing food.
2. Hit 11,000 steps: I have a hurt knee. I can BARELY make it to the bathroom and back. This is a big NO!
3. 2 Frappacchinos per day: If you take these away, I will kill EVERYONE!

So, that leaves working on tracking. I think this is an EXCELLENT goal for the week. And maybe next week (on vacation) too.

It is back to reality for me with a thud. I did weigh in on Week 31 and didn’t write a post (up 1.8 pounds) and Week 32 passed in a haze of vacation. I no sooner returned to work than I had some work traveling to do and when I stepped on the scale on Wednesday (yes, I’m late posting again) another 2.2 pounds had been rediscovered.

Gulp.

In just over two weeks I go BACK on vacation (yes, I saved up a little TOO well) and so I’m not sure exactly what strategy I should be following. But I’ll tell you this… it’s been so long since I logged food on my WW app that it had forgotten my foods!

Gulp again.

So, today I tracked. Score. And I’m trying to get my head around that this is doable, even if I’m not perfect.

Marching orders for the week:

• Eating my prepared food
• Hit 11,000 all seven days, taking at least one break/lunch walk
• Tracking 4 of 7 days
• 2 Frappuccinos per day

I choose to believe this wasn’t a stumble backward, more of a sashay round the rules.

I have to admit, I think I have lost a week somewhere in June or July. But I am calling weight in on July 25 as week 29 and I guess if it’s not, the counting police can come get me.

When I weighed in on Wednesday i was not expecting big things; it had been a week of good decisions with more than a few bad decisions thrown in there.  Therefore, I was thrilled to have removed another 1.6 pounds for a total loss of 40.2 pounds. Forty just really sounds like an accomplishment, doesn’t it.

When we are working in the WW books they break things down into 4 week segments. I was thrilled to notice that I had beat my four week goal and was only a few pounds away from my summer goal (by Labor Day I have a weight in mind.)

Fearlessly, I decided to put a goal EVEN LOWER than my summer goal for the next four week, which means that I could be EVEN LOWER than my summer goal weight on labor day. I guess I’ll take that as my last day to wear my skinny bikini.

It’s summer time, which has benefits as far as fruits and vegetables being available. The downside is that you have to be in a hot kitchen just to prepare them. The other benefit of summer is that when it’s 100 degrees out, I don’t really feel hungry. The downside is that I do eventually get hungry and eat EVERYTHING.

Does this mean I have a new an exciting daily goal? No. Frankly, just my four basic goals is so challenging right now that I can’t even imagine changing it up.

So I’m still tweaking my habits toward the basic.

• Eating my prepared food
• Hit 11,000 all seven days, taking at least one break/lunch walk
• Tracking 4 of 7 days
• 2 Frappuccinos per day

I just hope I don’t melt. I hate hot weather.

Well, I would love to report that I met my goal from last week of finally hitting 10% of my body weight lost. I can’t; instead I gained 5.4 pounds. Now, I didn’t eat badly enough for that to happen (though, obviously, there is some room for improvement.) My story has to do with asprin, PMS, and pretzels (a food I don’t like that much, but tend to overeat).

In addition, my struggles with… well, everything continue culminating with another medication change. Sigh.

I’d love to report I have shaken all this off and concentrated on my goals… but it’s not true. In fact, with three days to go until when I would normally weight in, I’m glad it’s a dark week and Wednesday is a holiday. That leaves 10 days to concentrate.

Easy goals

• Eating my prepared food
• Hit 11,000 all seven days, taking at least one break/lunch walk

Hard goals

• Tracking 4 of 7 days
• 1 Frappachino per day

I’m breaking my standby goals into two categories, because I feel fragile enough that doing all of them seems like a lot. I think the two easy should be okay, though it does take some dedication. Of the hard goals, I’m going to go for 2 days tracking and 1 Frappachino. That seems like enough.

I am sure most of you have read a version of this article, entitled “40 Words For Emotions You’ve Felt, But Couldn’t Explain.” While the words are made up, the article perfectly catalogs the complex and confusing emotional life that we lead but can’t explain.

This week, as I was searching for a word to explain what was happening to me, I re-read this article and this word (made up or not) hit the nail on the head.

Pâro: The feeling that no matter what you do, it is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you; each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, “Colder… colder… colder.”

Wednesday I hit maximum… whatever.  I posted this image with the caption: “Accurate representation of my feelings today.”Getting through the day was no small feat, and when I got home, it was all over. I mean ALL OVER. I took Thursday as a sick day and went up to see my therapist. Note: It was so bad that I overrode the little voice in my head that said this is some kind of hookie and told the voice, in a firm tone, “Taking a day as sick day to go see your therapist and breathe is the DEFINITION of caring for yourself. And that’s what sick leave is for.”

I took the dogs on a nice long walk in the morning, then on my way up to see my therapist, I did some retail therapy. Then I got stuck in traffic (when did Portland traffic get like this?) and ended up being late which sort of undid the good work of the day. But, I did get to see Dr. P and she pointed out some of the usual obvious truths about standing up for myself, being compassionate, and that everyone is CRAZY!

Friday was my normally scheduled day off and after taking care of the dogs, I spent the day in the studio. Now, don’t get excited. Part of my retail therapy was purchasing this at Ikea:

By the time I got it assembled and used my label maker to get it filled up, 8 hours had passed. My studio has never looked better, but no new artwork happened.

This weekend, I was supposed to take Key down to Grants Pass for a nose work trial. But by mid-day on Friday, I had decompressed enough to realize that taking my challenging dog (and the scared foster dog) to a site four hours away to do something that may or may not be successful, staying in a hotel over night, doing the same thing the next day, and then driving back home (4 hours of driving after the end of the trial (probably not until at least 4)) to get up and work the next day without doing laundry, food prep, or anything else MIGHT not be the best idea in my current state. I wished the entry money farewell (a friend suggests that when you write a check for a dog show, you just consider it a donation), cancelled my hotel reservation, and felt a lot better for it.

This morning (Saturday) I took two pieces to my critique group and then took Toby (have I mentioned my foster dog Toby?) to outreach to see if we can find him a permanent home. Two hours of that and I needed a nap, and that basically takes us up to now.

Later, the phrase “Toby’s dead again” came into play.

So, what’s wrong?

Frankly, I’m not all together sure. Wednesday was an exceptionally stressful day, but lately I’ve been feeling… “dystopian” is the world I used at the therapist’s. Like EVERYTHING is wrong. I’ve been trying to sort it all out, and here’s my list.

1. I have a foster dog. Now, this doesn’t mean I don’t like Toby. It just means it’s a stressor.
2. I have had to get more allergy shots the last few weeks because I was at the end of the bottle. This means that I have been scratchier and just more “blah” than when I’m at maintenance and can get my shots only every 6 weeks (instead of once a week.)
3. My other knee (right) has been hurting quite a bit (though the left that was hurting seems to be doing better.)
4. My foot (right) with plantar fasciitis still hurts (after almost 2 years of this injury)
5. My left foot has what I think is either a bone spur in the “ball” of the foot or I am just developing arthristis.
6. I have PMS / my back hurts / everyone SUCKS.
7. It’s the beginning of summer (ugggh) (and pollen season).
8. I am on a board of directors (why can’t I learn not to do this?)
9. I am managing three websites (again, why can’t I learn?)
10. Chronically, I work with a… challenging co-worker who requires a lot of compassion.
11. At work, I am “leading” two projects.
12. It’s summer and high-painting season and I feel like I’m completely hopeless. (I’m taking this one off because that’s a whole other blog.)
13. Salem is having a water crisis. It’s ALL FREAKING SORTS of fun.

When I go to this website, those items rate the following score:

Life event – Life change units

• Personal injury or illness – 53
• Gain a new family member – 39
• Change in responsibilities at work – 29
• Volunteering on a board (I added this one) – 28
• Revision of personal habits – 24

Total Score: 173

Score of 300+: At risk of illness.
Score of 150-299+: Risk of illness is moderate (reduced by 30% from the above risk).
Score 150-: Only has a slight risk of illness.

In other words… I’m in the category where doctors would look for a chronic reason for things.

I’m a little concerned that my new depression medication is not working correctly; I’m in that “six month” window where we’ll see. But I’m feeling a little more that it’s about plain old stress. I’ve taken on too much, I have too much going on, I’m taking on too much.

Taking this four day weekend won’t solve the problem, but it certainly didn’t hurt. Moving forward… well, right now, I don’t really have a strategy. But I will go back to work. I will keep tackling my challenges. I will endeavor to be kinder to myself and others. I will keep moving forward.

Progress Happens.

This is the quote from this week that I sort of hung on to. I’m late posting this week, not because I did badly (I removed 4.2 pounds for a total of 35 pounds lost!) but because almost every other area of my life felt like too much and I couldn’t figure out a way to share it.

I have another 2-3 posts planned, so I’m just going to leave with my goals for the week are essentially unchanged.

• Tracking 4 of 7 days
• 1 Frappachino per day
• Eating my prepared food
• Hit 11,000 all seven days, taking at least one break/lunch walk

Keep going. Progress happens.