macte, int.
[‘ Expressing approval, encouragement, or good will: ‘all praise to you!’, ‘well done!’, ‘bravo!’; ‘good luck!’.’]

Tonight at Weight Watchers I hit my 10% goal; I have now lost 10% of my total body weight when I started!

On one hand, I am thrilled. In my three previous attempts at Weight Watchers, I have never hit this goal. As you can imagine, it’s really exciting that I have accomplished this. I have further to go, but regardless, I’m going to celebrate this victory. Saturday I’ll get a new pair of jeans (frankly, everything I have is very baggy) and get a pedicure. Party!

On the other hand, I’m very nervous. Doing this 4-5 more times to get to my goal weight seems REALLY BIG. Even breaking it down into smaller goals (15% might be my next goal) seems pretty far away (50lbs lost could also be a milestone.)

I’m in uncharted territory. I’ve never made it this far. But I’ve also never failed after doing this well. Seems like a lot of pressure.

I’m too far away to contemplate the “first number changing” or even my goal of being able to ride a horse. So I’m searching a little for a goal that seems reachable and important.

In the meantime, I’m going to concentrate on getting back to lots of fruits and vegetables; I’m no longer in the “white knuckle” stage so I’m doing a little cruising. But I’m finding myself starting to graze a little bit, and not on fruits and veggies like I did in the beginning.

Also, the last three weeks I’ve been taking part in a challenge to walk my dog every day and I’m surprised how much it has motivated me. Hot weather is tough, and Finn is getting slower, but it sure has helped me! I’m even thinking of maybe signing up for another 5K!

So, best wishes to me!

Today was weigh in day and for the first time since starting my lifestyle change endeavor I was up.

Now, last week was not a bad week for me, so this was a little surprising. I didn’t go over my points and I exercised every day.

However, it was also not a great week for me. It was a tough week for me physically; I took pain killers 4 days out of 7.

It was also a hungry week for me. I had moments were I envisioned myself a little like Godzilla, eating my way through the town.

In fact, more than once I found myself thinking of one of my favorite books in the Stephanie Plum series, Ten Big Ones. In this book, Stephanie (the main character in the series and a some what unlikely bounty hunter) goes after a skip whose crime is described as follows:

“It says here she held up a Frito-Lay truck?”
“Apparently she was on that no-carbohydrate diet, got her period and snapped when she saw the truck parked in front of a convenience store. Just got whacked out at the thought of all those chips.”
“I’ve been on that diet and this crime makes perfect sense to me,” Lula said.

In addition to this, it was a rather emotional week, with a lot of family changes taking place. I really don’t want to talk about it…
So, with all this, I think exercising everyday and staying within my points is a HUGE accomplishment.

It is scary, though. I really want to make my 10% goal. It will be the first time I’ve done that. All the other times I’ve tried to change my lifestyle like this, I’ve gotten close and then sort of lost focus. So this little pep talk is not to take me back, but to remind me what I’ve learned!

Here are the things that I can work on in this coming week:

1. I think I’m a little dehydrated. It’s been muggy and I’ve been busy. I’ve had a bit of a headache all day and I’m achy from all my work over the weekend. I need to work on my water intake.
2. I need to do a better job of planning an afternoon snack.
3.  I need to do a Starbucks skinny hot chocolate 1-2 times a week, not 1-2 times a day.
4. I need to work on how I eat on the weekends. While I’m not going over my points, I’m also not getting in enough fruits and vegetables during my busy weekends.
5. i need to make sure I get enough sleep (I read a good book and stayed up too late this week…)

I really think this week was a function of dehydration and not feeling well, because I’m doing so much correctly. I’m going to end by focusing on this.

1. I signed up for a walk-the-dog-daily challenge and have done it for one week.
2. I have gone over my Nike Fuel goal each day (more activity than my goal.)
3. I have eaten breakfast every day.
4. I had a salad for lunch four days out of seven.
5. I attended my Weight Watchers meeting.
6. I tracked every day.

I can do this. This is a good check in and a good placeholder.

I’ve been a little blue today for no particularly good reason. Today is also weigh-in day, but I was expecting good things and I wasn’t disappointed. Another loss for a total of 29.6 lbs obliterated!

Unfortunately, I still have a long ways to go. That distance is very daunting and a little voice starts to discourage me sometimes. In spite of my progress, I still have so much to loose. Also discouraging is that no one really notices any changes. Hardly even me. Yes, things are getting loose, but really…

Me the day before I started Weight Watchers, 29.6 lbs heavier than today.

Me, this evening, after 8 weeks on Weight Watchers (less 29.6 lbs)

There is just not a HUGE difference.

But as I was giving myself a little pep talk, I realized the similarity of my weight removal journey to knitting.

Knitting is really just a series of little loops. One or two little loops doesn’t make a big difference; a few hundred makes a baby hat; a few thousand a scarf; a few tens of thousands a sweater. No matter the item, however, it’s all just a bunch of little loops strung together.

Back and sleeves of sweater (with ever helpful cat, Bella)

I am currently knitting a sweater (my third upper-body garment and my first “in pieces”.) I have completed the back and I’m working on the sleeves, which I am knitting simulataneously.

I’ve been knitting on this since the end of February. I’ve been planning on knitting this for two years prior to starting it. My anticipation for this sweater is intense.

And I’m bored. I want the thing done.

See the connection?

Loosing weight is a bunch of little steps (loops). In working on my lifestyle, I am not depriving myself; when I knit, it’s in my spare time or with friends. In one session of knitting, you don’t see progress, just like in one or two weeks you don’t see your weight loss.

These things take TIME! Persistance. And maybe a little humor.

I think I can do another day… and another row.

Last week Weight Watchers’ topic was: “The Power of an Anchor.” The program encouraged users to think about something that keep them inspired to stay on the program and thus meet weight loss goals.

The first thing that popped into my mind on this topic was horses. I sort of started this because I would eventually like to be able to start riding horses again.

A book I read a few years ago, “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin, posed the theory that the things that we did when we were young children are the things that make us most happy. But as we age, we find other, more practical things to take up our time. During her happiness project, Rubin started reading young adult books and even started a book group (for adults) about them.

I have a picture in my home of a four-year-old-me reaching up to pet a horse. I love this photo.

As I was looking for photos for my post about my dad last week, I came across another series of photos of myself at about 10 with my cousin’s horses and my Montana friend’s horses.

What struck me about these photos was the look of awe and happiness in all of them.

I have another photo in my house. I am 19 here and think I’m fat (I wish the horse I’m on was… she needs some weight). But I remember the thrilled feeling of riding English. This picture and this horse are about my only good memories of this period in my life.

It’s taken me all week to post this, but I want to remember this:

• Joy
• Awe
• Happiness
• Thrill

This is my reason for loosing weight. I want to ride again.

California Chrome won the Preakness.

Stacey and General George made the top 10 and will do their freestyle. One goal down, two to go.

And I finished a 5K walk.

I work for Multnomah County, which has been doing a series of heart awareness events. This is where I won my Nike Fuel and new i-pod; this inspired me to start my recent quest for lifestyle improvement.

I decided to try this 5K walk as good way to get some exercise on a Saturday and do something I’ve always wanted to do: walk the East Bank Esplanade.

I have walked a 5K before, but it’s been many years.

Before I begin, let me say this. I had a good time, but being among so many people is really not my thing.

So at 9:30, Finn and I started.

My safety net was there was a 1-mile turnaround for those needing a shorter route. But at the 1/2 mile mark I felt okay and kept going.

Just before we reached the Steel Bridge, things were thinning out, but the bridge clumped everyone up again.

After the bridge was the halfway mark, and there was a hydration station. I had brought water for Finn and I, but he enjoyed drinking from a real bowl and playing for a few minutes with the other dog, and we were off again.

From here it was simply a walk back to the finish line. I was definitely feeling it, but I knew I could do it.

As we were nearing the finish line and I knew I could do it, I got to thinking about this walk as a metaphor for my weight loss journey.

I had prepared with a few supplies. I had a buddy and support in Finn. I had taken breaks. I had a backup plan.

I hope I remember this day the next time I have a bad day with my new lifestyle. Because while California Chrome’s owner had a dream about hose this horse would win the Kentucky Derby before he was born, and while Stacey Riggs wishes to win her competition, it’s really work that makes it happen. One step at a time.

Today is weigh-in day. Last week I lost a good chunk of weight for my first weigh-in, and that has helped make this week easier—that and not having a caffeine withdrawal headache all week.

Not that this week has been easy; I went grocery shopping yesterday and at one point found myself in the candy aisle, adding things to my cart. I’m not sure how I got there, but I’m glad I woke up before I got the items home.

Last night I snuck a peak at the scale to see if I had reason to be optimistic for today’s weigh-in. The scales told me that I was about the same as last week. I immediately went into a pout and started doubting my worth as a human being (never mind that I still weighed less than I did at the beginning…)

Now, I have to tell you, this is just silly. First, I had a week to be proud of; I ate lots of fruits and veggies, exercised more, and generally made good decisions about my health. Regardless of what the scales say, this is a week I feel proud of. And when I got on the scales this morning (just to double check, you understand), the scales agreed with this assessment.

This whole event got me thinking about the language society (and specifically me) uses to describe weight loss and eating.

For example, certain foods are “bad” while others “good.” This reminds me of when I was first learning French and my bewilderment that all nouns have a gender. For example, cars are feminine but fish are masculine. Why? With foods the distinction is arguably a little less arbitrary. In general, foods with a lot of sugar and fat are “bad” and natural foods are “good.” But it absolutely mystifies me why bread and cheese are “bad” while oatmeal and yogurt are good.

Furthermore, it’s nearly impossible not to put these designators on yourself when you indulge in the “bad” foods. “I’ve been bad this week,” we say at the meetings when the scale doesn’t move down. We say this, in fact, regardless of anything else. We could have won the Nobel Peace prize or cured cancer, but when a piece of equipment refuses to register a lower number, we are “bad.”

And that’s another thing: What the scales say. Scales are a machine. Sometimes not even a terrible accurate machine. They don’t “say” things. At best they report facts. Why am I allowing a machine to justify my existence?

Even language around weight loss is a saboteur. We “lose” weight. As if it’s the car keys and we are going to go searching for it until we find it in the last place we look. Personally, weight is in the top ten list of things I DON’T want to find (#1: a dead body, #2: a Great White shark when snorkeling…)

I guess what I’m trying to say, and the pep-talk I give myself almost every day, is that my weight has nothing to do with my “good”-ness or “bad”-ness as a person. I am a good friend, creative artist, competent (usually) worker, and kind person. I go to church, give to charity, and volunteer for causes that are important to me. I’m a quiet neighbor, pleasant co-worker, and concerned citizen. While on any given day those qualifiers may wax and wane, the absolute truth is that what I choose to put into my mouth does not affect my intrinsic worth as a human being.

Yes, I want to remove weight. I want to feel better. I want to be healthier. I want to be able to ride a horse again. I want to get on a plane and not use the seat belt extension. I want to be able to feel comfortable sitting in theaters or auditoriums.

I know there are going to be ups and downs on this weight-removal journey, but I’d like to be able to find a way to remove the string that ties my self-worth from the scale’s journey.