This was a tough week for me. It was busy at work (which I like) but there were several high-impact meetings that took their toll.

In addition to that, since I fell on November 6 (Salem sidewalks are deathtraps and a disgrace!) I have been having “Goldilocks issues” in addition to just feeling sore.  (Note: more about “Goldilocks issues” later.)

This all came to a head on Wednesday when I gave an online training for work where we had to fight with the internet for no readily apparent reason while trying to stay connected. After returning to my desk, successful but exhausted, I knew I had to go home.

Sometimes I just don’t understand why our bodies can’t just be like cars. You get in the cars and you go. Except old, beat-up cars. Those are just frustrating. Which is pretty much how I felt Wednesday; like a beater car.

When I get like this, I am always deeply afraid that I will somehow start a change of events that ends with me trying to explain to a judge while in a straight-jacket that my ears were too warm and that’s what I took that little boy’s teddy bear and ate it. I can totally imagine a scenario where all this made sense at the time.

So, I went home. I called my mom. I whined… a lot. And I came to the realization that I needed to suck it up and call a chiropractor.

Before I moved to Salem (two years ago, now) I went to see the chiropractor regularly. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, but it helped. Since I’ve been in Salem I’ve avoided doctor shopping like the plague. But Wednesday I broke.

As an interesting aside, do you know that 70% of people would rather go car shopping than doctor shopping (it’s possible that the statistic is do more research on a car than a doctor, but you get the point)?

So I called around and made an appointment to see a chiropractor the next day.

Now, before anyone gets anxious, it all turned out fine. But mentally, the whole situation still drives me batty.

I arrived at the office and filled out the million (complete understatement) pieces of paperwork which asked, among other things, how you like to be adjusted. This question confused me because… well… isn’t it there job to  know what works? But I thought about it and put “gentle.”

So I went in and the doctor asked me a bunch of questions that made my efforts on the paperwork seem redundant. When he got to the part about “gentle” he says: “What does that mean?”

Car shopping looks pretty good, but I said, “Well, I don’t really like it when they just grab you and twist you around.”

He left that alone and asked me what my symptoms were. I told him I had tripped about a week before and since then I had been sort and achy and just sort of “Goldilocks” feeling.

He looked confused. “Goldilocks feeling?”

“You know. Like Goldilocks.”

“What did Goldilocks do again?

“You know…. it was too big, it was too small, it was too soft, it was too hard, it was too hot, it was too cold.”

“Oh. I guess I forgot that one.”

“I guess I could go with ‘Princess and the Pea.'”

Starting to look concerned about my mental health, he said, “I’m not familiar with that one either.”

I decided to quit while I was ahead. So he started adjusting me, and to be fair, he was gentle. And while I don’t feel 100%, I am feeling better. He asked me to make another appointment next week because (in his words) I’m pretty banged up. No kidding?

As part of what they ask you, they always ask you to do a pain scale. My personal paint scale is that if I am at a doctor’s office of any kind, I am at least a 5. However, by the end of the session I had to jack that up. I ended up screaming in pain when when he used the adjuster gun thing on what he said was a “bruised trigger point.”

Dude. If you knew it was bruised, why are you using a gun thing on it?

I’ll go back next week, because I do feel overall better. But I’m not convinced at all.

I really just want to get in my car/body and go. I don’t like this maintenance stuff.

I am currently in the unenviable position of feeling both very fragile and having to make some big decisions.

As I said a few weeks ago, I am struggling with several issues right now, the largest being a return of my depression. Today was a big because I had two doctor’s appointment that I hoped would help me tackle some of my ongoing issues.

The first doctor’s appointment was with the podiatrist to discuss my 11-month battle with plantar fasciitis. This doctor was much more thorough that the last podiatrist I saw. The upshot is that while I did get a shot to help with the pain and a list of stretches, I need to get some serious orthotics that (naturally) are not covered by my health insurance. Over the years, I have heard various stories about orthotics, some good, more bad. So, I need to think about that step. In the meantime, my mom gave me her GoodFeet orthotics, so I’m going to use those while I ponder. And hobble.

Next, with my foot throbbing, I went down the hall to see the psychiatrist (who I will call Dr. Y because I hate typing psychiatrist). As I said, I am struggling with depression. As I did not say, part of the reason for this is because my health insurance plan did not want to continue to pay for a medication that I have been on for 17 years that works well for me. So they put me on a generic, which in the past has not worked as well. Surprise… I’m now in crisis.

Last week I went to see my long term psychologist (Dr. P, same reason); we discussed that if I wasn’t able to appeal my case (and I had tried previously) that a complete change in medication might be the next step. Today, speaking with Dr. Y, it became apparent that switching medications was about my only option at this stage. Logically, I can deal with that. Even emotionally. But I’m not sure the physical me can.

To “help” me with this, Dr. Y suggested I take some classes Kaiser offers about depression and anxiety. Okay, sounds helpful. Except they are all during working hours, meaning I will have to take more time off and I’m already concerned about my job status.

“Depression” sounds like it’s simple. Like you’re only dealing with one thing… like maybe being sad or tired. But for me, it’s a lot things. I’ve actually been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and PTSD (though the latter is less of an issue since my 20’s.)

When things get like this, every single aspect of my life is challenging, even the simple ones.

So, I’m trying to get my thoughts and emotions in order, and then medication changes come along, kind of like this cockatoo:

I have no idea if this new medicine regime will work, and it will take months to get fully on it. In the meantime, I’m pretty much an in chemical cocktail hell. I have no idea at any given point what is “real” versus what is just my various problems.

Example: Thursday, a new person had their first day on the job. Through a series of coincidences, I met her at the front door and attempted to help her get to where her new supervisor was. Afterwards, I was so stressed out and worried about possibly saying the wrong thing I was shaking. Logically, I did nothing wrong. I smiled, I introduced myself, I found her boss, I introduced her to people. I did not kick a puppy or set fire to anything. Nevertheless, i spent the next several hours worrying about the interaction.

This story is a benign version of the biggest worry about all this. I am very concerned about the possibility of loosing my job if I get too weird. One of the biggest (unspoken) mandates at my job is that everyone “get along”. Between the anxiety and irritability, my feeling is that I am not doing well at that.

Additionally, I need to watch for very real problems such as an increase in suicidal thoughts and other new side effects.

I just have so many concerns right now. I feel overwhelmed.

Dr. P suggested taking FMLA until I got all this sorted out. No one knows how long that might take, but it’s certainly an option.

On the bright side, next week I was scheduled to on vacation with my mom to Montana. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but basically, the entire western United States is on fire, and she is (understandably) nervous about traveling into and through that. So last night we cancelled part of the journey and I’m waiting to find out of she’ll cancel the rest.

If she does cancel, I need to decide if I want to take the time off and do something else, or save the time for a crisis. But I feel like I need a break. So, a staycation?

Back to feeling overwhelmed.

This is a blog I don’t intent to “publish” on Facebook, just in my own little corner of the web that few read. But I feel like it’s important to write all this down for a baseline.

I feel confident that I am not the only person struggling with existence right now. Honestly, based on headlines, I feel like anyone would be hard pressed NOT to be struggling with something.

In my little life, however, there seems to be a bountiful array of issues that are troubling me.

Body

I am fat. It’s not fun. I work on it. But some days the discomfort can be intense.

I have developed plantar fasciitis (small tears in the plantar fascia ligament) in my right foot. The best way to get over it is to rest. But I have a young, active dog and a variety of other reasons that I need to go for a walk every day. Because of this, I’ve been struggling with this for almost a year and it’s not, in any way, on the mend.

My knees are aching, probably because I am fat and I am walking funny to try to compensate for the foot pain.

I am hot. I hate summer. I don’t like anything over 75 degrees. And it’s been a hot summer.

I can’t breath. There are a bunch of wildfires nearby and the air quality is bad and my asthma has flared up.

I’m tired. Objectively speaking, it’s been a long time since my last vacation (I think that was Hawaii in December of 2015.) I’ve been saving up vacation time for a while now to go to Montana with my mom next month, and I’m really starting to look forward to getting away.

Note: This isn’t to say I haven’t taken days off work, but most of those days have been art-workshop-related, which is not the same as vacation or time off.

Mind

I struggle with depression and anxiety. I currently appear to be going through something of an uptick in my depression, which means that every feeling and plan has to go through rigorous screening to ensure it’s:

1. Socially acceptable
2. Real
3. Helpful

It’s not so much like having a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, it’s more like…

In addition, I am feeling sad about some extra-family issues that are going on. Sometimes, just because it’s not your responsibility, doesn’t mean that you don’t feel bad.

And finally, I am having some serious anxiety about some social issues. I’m not the best with people, which is hard enough. But one of my struggles is with lying, which doesn’t always have the same meaning to me as it does to society. I am someone who does my best to do what i said I will do (I don’t know how true that is in reality, but it’s true in my head); the rest of the world has a looser definition. That can be hard for me to deal with.

Spirit

I don’t feel creative. That statement is not altogether true. I have things I’d like to do, but the studio is just too overwhelming right now. I feel overwhelmed by the weight of everything I need and want to do. Going into the studio (currently a disaster because last weekend’s event) is not possible without some work.

I don’t feel very motivated. Believe it or not, this is a different issue that the first. The event last weekend (Englewood Forest Festival) was fun, but I didn’t have many sales and it was a tremendous amount of work to get out there. It’s making me wonder if I should be trying to sell my art at all. Which leads to a whole other set of questions about what I need and should have and should do… And there goes my motivation.

I am heartsick. I feel like current events have been hashed over enough. I won’t go into them more. But my heart hurts in the place inside me that believed that most people in our political arena were just doing the best they could. That all but a tiny percentage of people understood that some things just were not okay.

Triggered

I see the term “triggered” a lot these days, to the point that I sometimes cringe a little when someone talks about it. But I believe that most of us have triggers. Kids and spouses are excellent at finding them and pushing them. Friends can hit them with a casual word. Co-workers can unintentionally kick them. The other day my dog joyfully jumped, rolled, and ate his way around one of mine.

For whatever reason, last weekend’s events triggered me and I’m going through another stage of grief: depression.

The real trouble with being human is that we are at the mercy of our synapses. And when those synapses get hijacked into sending alternative messages, it can be hard to get them back in proper working order.

One theory on depression, and it’s a theory that meshes well with my own experience, is that when you are depressed, the synapses don’t communicate as well, with positive messages being among the first casualties.

In other words, when I take my dog out for an early morning walk and watch the sunrise, I think, “How beautiful.” But my heart doesn’t lift. And I go back to brooding about all the things that need to be fixed.

I’ll sign off today with this, my favorite Bible verse. Read it, or don’t. But if you choose to read it, take it as an early recommendation to join the current mindfulness trend.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

This is not a real blog post for the following reasons:

1. I have painted, but all my paintings are either at an uninteresting stage or are stealth projects. Better luck next week.
2. I am not feeling 100%
3. I am striking against all the idiots in the world, including, but not limited to:
   1. People who leave “comments” to see something
   2. Politicians
   3. People who post incorrect things on social media. For instance… those elephant’s tusks have been photo-shopped pink.

So there.

P.S. I wanna be a dolphin.

The Weight Watcher’s theme this week is “What’s Your ‘Why’: Hold your motivation close-it can be a weight-loss anchor.”

I have known for some time that I have lost my “why” along this weight-loss journey. Possibly worse, I am actively afraid to try again.

To recap, In April 2014 a lot of things came together and I began Weight Watchers for the fourth time in my life. I had won a new activity monitor and when I told a friend about it, she invited me to come to Weight Watchers with her. Suddently, for no really good reason except I was following the program, I began to loose weight. Over the course of the next year (until April of 2015) I lost 80 pounds.

Then life sort of crept back. A lot of things happened, the most significant of which is that I changed jobs. I lost some of my support systems; I lost a great salad bar across the street from my job; I gained a lot of stress. As you can see by the chart, I gained back weight pretty quickly, then more slowly after I moved into my current house and settled more fully into my new life.

As I approach two years in this job, and three years on the “journey”, I’ve been spending a lot of time in the last few weeks trying to figure out how to get back on track.

Issue one seems to be that I’m scared. I’m scared to try again.

Issue two seems to be that I’m still struggling with loneliness and (as my counselor points out) food is a friend.

Issue three is that I’m still struggling with a little bit of depression, which could be acerbated by numbers 1 and 2 or could be contributing to it.

Issue four is that I don’t feel great. I have a hurt foot and by breathing isn’t great. Both of which would improve, obviously, but they are still not helpful.

The Weight Watchers exercise for the week was as follows:

Some repeats in my art life

At the end of last week, I was pretty worn down, so I decided to “take it easy” this weekend. I did some painting, knitting, and movie watching. I also made an attempt to get to the bottom of my in-box.

One of the blogs (Donna Zagota) I follow posted about setting art goals for the new year (this is how far behind I am…)

This year I changed up the questions I asked myself for the sake of more clarity and to achieve a deeper, more authentic intentionality in my paintings. If you would like to do a yearly review and set some goals for 2017, here are those questions. Enjoy!

1. What do I most want to achieve in my art in 2017?

2. What habits or personality traits might trip me up?

3. What actions will I take to overcome them so that I can achieve my goals?

4.  What two or three specific areas would I really like too improve in my art in 2017?

5.  What action steps will I take to manifest those improvements?

As you can see, there is a striking similarity to what Weight Watchers recommends.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t have a lot of focus.

But that isn’t true

Even as I wrote that last statement, I realized is really isn’t true. I have focus: keeping my job, taking care of my dogs, making an attempt at fitting into normal society. The problem is, but the time those three things are done, adding more is really hard.

It sounds trite to talk about weight loss as a journey, but the fact of the matter, it is. I know that.

It’s also a cliche but true that weight loss has to be a lifestyle change. When it’s working for you, it’s like you’re in a groove and it almost feels depressingly easy, because you’ve made all your choices ahead of time, and all you have to do is follow along.

I’m not writing this to come up with a solution. I’m more putting this out there to help myself understand where I am at.

Now, give me some time to ponder that.

Well, my 2017 is certainly off to a lurching, rather upsetting start.

Pneumonia

On December 31 I took the dogs for a walk and noticed my lungs felt tight and rather “burning.” By Sunday (Jan 1) I knew I was sick with either a cold or the flu. On Tuesday (Jan 3) I made an emergency call to the doctor and the next day went in to be diagnosed with a case of pneumonia.

For the next two days I coughed and shivered and generally wished for death. Finally, the evening of the 5th my fever broke. I crawled back to work on Monday the 9th, but only made it a half day. For the rest of the week I worked 5-8 hours a day before finally giving in today (Friday) and taking the day off to sit in my chair and breathe.

After two weeks of being sick I am miserably sore from coughing, out of breath at the slightest exertion, and still fighting to stay on the right side of hydration.

Grump.

Tires

Last week my tires kept going flat. I took my car into Les Schwab and ended up getting two new front tires.

Grump.

Weather

Winter is my favorite time of year. However, in Oregon, winter is usually wet and a little cold. This year Oregon is doing a good imitation of Montana… cold and snowy. Now, I’m not complaining about this. But Salem is getting shorted on the snow front. Up in Portland they have 6-8 inches on the ground; Salem has about 1/2 inch.

I feel short changed.

Above and beyond that, however, the weather is weird and Oregonians are just not equipped for this kind of weather. It’s sort of making us all grumpy.

Grump.

Electricity

Last week I was without electricity for about 24. It was a very localized issue, according to the power company it only affected about 16 homes. Mine was one of them.

Grump.

The Age of Medicine

Lately I have been struggling with almost every aspect of my life, including my mental health. I have been on depression and anxiety medication for 17 years and I know from all experience that: 1) Medication issues (such as not getting the correct medication on time) can take about 6 months to fully show up and can take even longer to settle back down, and 2) that medication is a helpful tool, but doesn’t take the place of work.

A little over 6 months ago there was a serious of pharmacy issues and I went without medication for about four days.. Then the same thing happened about three months later, but this time I was off medication for about a week. Both occasions were just long enough that some short term problems happened, but I know from experience that at 6 weeks I’ll have another mood swing and at 6 months I’ll really have a period of issues.

I am fully into “that period” and, gosh, the world does not seem like a friendly place. I feel (illogically) isolated and fragile. The normal weirdness of human behavior seems hostile. The other day someone made a comment in the grocery store and I burst into tears. I didn’t even know that person, but their comment hit me HARD.

The Science of Happiness

A few years ago “The Science of Happiness” was on PBS. I remember being particularly struck by portion that talks about an experiment where a group of people were assigned to say three position things to themselves every day. One of the participants was a young man who was currently “unemployed” and was using his time to take care of his extremely young daughter (“unemployed” is in quotes because I would argue parenthood is a total JOB as is employment hunting.)

Initially, he talked about his frustration with his job search and how he was “only” taking care of his daughter. But after a few weeks, he said he noticed that he was feeling better about things. He noted that the job search continued, but that he was taking pride in how well he could change a diaper and how much more connected to his daughter he was feeling.

Breathing Should Be Fun

Last weekend was pretty uneventful around Chez Choate (blissful, really…) and I had time to “sit down” with myself to really think about what was going on.

Another thing that has been going on the last few months is that my breathing has really deteriorated. As of last week I have finished a period of tests and examinations; the good news is that there is nothing obviously wrong with my lungs, the bad news is that I am empirically not breathing as well as I should be. At this stage in the game, we’re talking about management, not fixes.

I need to loose weight, and as much as I WANT to do that, I’m constantly bombarded with the feeling I can’t do it. I am a stress eater, and too much is going on!

Happiness Experiment

So last weekend I sat down and thought about what I could do. I’m depressed, I’m not breathing well, and I’m still feeling lonely from my move.

While I didn’t (and don’t) have answers, I decided to see if a week of my own “happiness experiment” could put things into perspective. So I decided to post three positive things I did each day on Facebook for a week. Here are my posts.

Facebook Posts

Sunday (July 17)

I have been struggling with… well… everything. So, this week I’m going to try an experiment.

Each day I’m going to post three positive things I did to take care of myself and/or did well at.

For today (Sunday):

1. I took Key to his dog training class. I got a workout and he got a lot of cheese. Win-win.

2. I did food prep for myself for the week. I may not do perfectly this week, but I will have healthy choices available.

3. I spent the morning relaxing by sleeping in and then going on a bird watching drive. It is okay that I spent a couple hours for myself instead of getting things done. It is okay that it wasn’t a hike.

Monday (July 18)

Experiment, Day 2.

1. I rode my bike to work and took the dogs for a long walk. I hit my FitBit goal of 10,000 steps.

2. I painted.

3. I returned phone calls in a prompt manner.

Bonus: I did not throw myself on the ground and shriek like a toddler when my boss changed her position and agreed with me just because someone else pointed out I was right in the first place. Total height of professional behavior.

Tuesday (July 19)

Experiment Day 3:

1. Attended weight watchers meeting, hit FitBit goal, rode bike to work, walked dogs. [Took care of physical self.]

2. This one won’t make sense to anyone not there. When someone came to me and showed me something they had done, and I (very crankily) thought “why?” what I said was “That’s gorgeous. You did a good job.” They glowed. [Kind to others.]

3. I worked hard all day: I lead three meetings (very scary) and attended a training. [Faced fears, conscientious.]

Wednesday (July 20)

Experiment Day 4:

Today was a hard one. Everything I felt that was good, I wanted to put a “but” in back of it. But that’s the experiment. Just see the good stuff.

1. I finished two books last night (counts since it happened after last post.)

2. I signed up for an online painting class and I painted!

3. I handled a difficult talk. And that’s all I’m gonna say.

Thursday (July 21)

Experiment Day 5:

Another hard one today.

1. I feel like I acted like an adult all day. ALL day.

2. I followed through on a physical/health issue; while the result have not been what I wished for, I feel good about pursuing it this far and getting the answers I have received.

3. I attended a creative class.

Friday (July 22)

Experiment Day 6:

1. Hit my FitBit Goal.

2. When I left, my desk was clean for Monday.

3. Disengaged from at least one illogical conversation.

Saturday (July 23)

Experiment Day 7 (the end, conclusion tomorrow)

Today’s is really hard for more as I’m feeling depressed and physically sore.

1. I took the dogs for a long walk.

2. It could be said that I faced my fears. I didn’t do well at it, but I did face them.

3. I have made a good enough friend that she admitted that she didn’t have a very good time either.

Experiment Conclusion

Working on this all week, I do see trends and was able to make a few decisions.

First, I made an appointment to see my (long-term) therapist. I made to go back to regular counseling for a while.

Second, I am really doing better than I thought on the exercise portion of weight loss.

Third, objectively speaking, three of my five work days were stressful (literally… FULL OF STRESS) and one of my weekend days was hard. I need to SCHEDULE more time for recovery.\

Finally, it’s hard to say good things to myself. SO many times this week I thought “hey, put that on your list” and a voice would come and say “but, you really didn’t….” or some other thing to cancel it out. I need to work on this. I’m going to try to find a way continue the process in a slightly less public way (not Facebook.)

Warning, right up front. This post is about weight loss, medical stuff, and emotions. Stop reading now if you’re in it for the humor or the art.

Daily Summary

I had two doctor’s appointments today. I also had to go to work early to work around one of those appointments. A stapler in my office caused me to have a meltdown. My dog was attacked by a cat as we were out taking a walk (multiple times because the cat just kept attacking until I picked Key up.) Tonight I have to wear a strange medical device to test how I sleep.

Frankly, folks, I was worn out at 9:00 am.

Why did that help with perspective?

So with that day behind me, I opened the dog food container to feed the beasts. They had EXACTLY one more serving left. Normally, I go to the pet food store on Weight Watchers night, which has moved from Monday to Wednesday and then to Tuesday. So, I had a choice. I could let them go hungry in the morning (not really an option), I could go and get food for them and take my chances going to Weight Watchers tomorrow (knowing that the last two weeks I haven’t stayed for the meeting), or I could change my plans and go get food and attend a meeting.

Something about having the day I had made me realize just how close to giving up living a better lifestyle I am. I knew I was close. I’m tired, nothing fits, I feel awful, and did I mention I was tired? Sunday I went to the grocery store for the first time in a couple of weeks; I bought the right stuff, but I hadn’t prepped it.

The medical issue

I am not breathing well. In the last six weeks there have been tests for my heart, lungs, blood, liver, head, digestion, and I’m sure if there was some other part of me that would have been tested too. My main complaint is that I can’t draw a deep breath. Every breath feels like my lungs are a balloon that wants to expand but that is trapped inside a too-small glass jar. In addition, I’m having bad heartburn and occasional heart palpitations. The doctors are taking things seriously, but it’s a process. A long, frustrating process.

Every time I go to the doctor, I come back upset and frustrated. I’m frighted that I’m going to have to give up another pet. I’m also frightened that they are going to tell me it’s all because I’m fat. I’ll own that last one, and I’m 100% sure that if I lost weight everything would be easier. But I still believe something isn’t right. The whole thing ends up being a Catch 22; I go to the doctor hoping to feel better, I end up feeling worse, so I eat which exacerbates the whole thing.

Decision point

I had to get dog food. If I was going to go over there to get dog food, it made sense to go to Weight Watchers.

So, I went. And had a good meeting (for once, I’m not liking the leader, but tonight she was okay).

And when I came home I decided to be good to myself and prep my food.

I’m not gonna lie. I’m not sure how committed I am. But it’s been two years. I’ve lost 95 pounds; I’ve regained 75 pounds. But I have nothing to gain by throwing in the towel. I might as well keep trying.

My goal this week: Don’t gain, don’t lose.